Contemplations of happiness

Lydia Nolen: I wish I could read tea leaves

dragonez: Why do you want to read tea leaves

Lydia Nolen: So I can predict the future

dragonez: What do you want to know and why would you want to know the future
dragonez: It is n't usually a good time
dragonez: And even if you know there is generally very little you can do to change it

Lydia Nolen: So I can help Kelly be happy

dragonez: You can't help kelly be happy
dragonez: Kelly has to find that himself
dragonez: Did you read illusions yet

Lydia Nolen: No, I haven't done much reading lately

dragonez: It is not possible to do anything for another person
dragonez: Do you have illusions
dragonez: No one can make you happy or sad or pissed off
dragonez: You do that to yourself

Lydia Nolen: No haven't got the book yet but obviously I have illusions
Lydia Nolen: I could guide him

dragonez: Actually the book is more that the world is an illusion where we play and learn what we need to and that some people live misewrable lives because thats what they like
dragonez: No you can't
dragonez: And you are really deluding yourself thinking that

Lydia Nolen: I have guides, and God guides me

dragonez: You can set an example of someone who lives their life well
dragonez: You chose those as your guides and they still have no more power than you give them
dragonez: Trust Kelly is hysterically happy compared to Les I have wrestled with this for a long time
dragonez: You can guard them and protect them from themselves but only if they let you and trying to make them happy actually defeats the purpose because they don't want it and don't notice it and you will resent all the effort you have put in to it eventually

Lydia Nolen: That is true, I do choose what I follow
Lydia Nolen: Do you think meds would help Les

dragonez: Neither of us are big believers in medication tends to mask problems rather than solving them
dragonez: He is amazed everyday he wakes up because he was sure someone would kill him before he was 30

Lydia Nolen: Some problems are not problems but rather who we are and what we've experienced. You can accept things that you cannot change but why not take a drug to comfort you

dragonez: Kelly is just afraid of the world and you are afraid of losing kelly and you are quite a pair
dragonez: Why should you have to
dragonez: Why shouldn't you face who you are and revel in your differences and fuck the rest of the world if they can't take a joke

Lydia Nolen: I'm not afraid of losing Kelly

dragonez: To some extent you are or you would not let him get away with the things he does
dragonez: And you probably will be for about 10 more years if you follow the normal female pattern

Lydia Nolen: I don't thin it is worth the effort some times
Lydia Nolen: Kelly is not very good with conflict

dragonez: Maybe not of losing him but of being alone and of failing and not making the marriage work because all women are martyrs and if the marriage fails in your mind it will be your fault which means for some reason you weren't good enough

Lydia Nolen: He cannot even take a joke

dragonez: Most men can't and you have to remember Men have been our Gods for the last 1000 years and now they have been thrown into to this new world where none of the rules apply and its not like any one is going out of their way to assimilate them into the new world order
dragonez: and they don't like the new world order because they no longer have a set place in it
dragonez: Hell we don't even need them to have children anymore

Lydia Nolen: I'm really not of that mind anymore the losing him. He is making progress towards being human. I don't think that there are too many things I could do to run him off. Mainly what hurts me right now is the realization that he does not like who I really am.

dragonez: But only because you allow it to hurt you
dragonez: They don't generally like who we are because we aren't usually ourselves until several years into the marriage when we decide its not worth the effort anymore
dragonez: He just wants you to be the cute litttle child he married not a grown up woman with thoughts and opinions again I hae run down the same road

Lydia Nolen: Kelly told me I was needy the other day, and that confused me

dragonez: Kelly does anything he can to maintain control over you

Lydia Nolen: I don't thinkof myself that way

dragonez: I don't think of you as needy - BUt I don't really think you have decided who you are going to be when you grow up yet
dragonez: Personally I am looking forward to meeting the old lady you become

Lydia Nolen: me too
Lydia Nolen: I'm looking forward to meeting the old lady I'll become also

dragonez: It will be fun
dragonez: I will get illusions for
dragonez: you
dragonez: and for kelly he should read it too

Lydia Nolen: thanks
Lydia Nolen: Well my main progress for this year is just that I am doing what I want and just letting Kelly moan about it

dragonez: And thats a great big step

Lydia Nolen: I'm not giving in to get him to shut up as I have in the past

dragonez: And we are all proud of you for making it because he can't grow up if you don't let him face challenges and changes

dragonez: Thats how everyone grows

Lydia Nolen: It has been hard because I have realized that some of the things he doesn't like about me are the things I love
Lydia Nolen: I can be and do what I want as long as it fits within his mold
Lydia Nolen: Of course he doesn't realize what he is doing

dragonez: I understand completely I had to break it down for Les when I went nutso for two years. He kept trying to tell me that both of us made comprimises but I explained that his might be surface comprimises but women sacrifice down to their soul. My 2 exaples for him were that I am a sunlight person I like the windows open and the shades up

Lydia Nolen: doesn't really care either

dragonez: He lives in a fucking cave and I have lived there with him for 24 years
dragonez: That and my cat I have slept with cats since I was born and since getting to gether with him the cat is no longer allowed even in the room
dragonez: Him agreeing after 17 years to wear shorts in public just isn't quite the same
dragonez: Or letting me have kids

Lydia Nolen: Les didn't want kids

dragonez: No NOne ever

Lydia Nolen: kids in bed you meant

dragonez: No kids at all

Lydia Nolen: oooohh

dragonez: Kids in bed was never an ooption except when I was nursing April
dragonez: He in general pretty much hates all children

Lydia Nolen: That sucks

dragonez: Well as he says he is not prejudice he hates everybody

Lydia Nolen: Kelly loves kids, just not supervising or cooking or cleaning for them
dragonez: I told you Kelly is vastly les fucked up than Les but still fucked up in his own unique way

dragonez: HIs whole family is screwed up

Lydia Nolen: Well I guess that the fact that I am with Kelly is a testament to my own mental illness.

dragonez: YEs we all have it
dragonez: And we spend our lives working out who we really are and if we are lucky someday we figure it out

Lydia Nolen: Brandy I just want to enjoy my life and be happy

dragonez: In that case you will generally have to do it without a man
dragonez: Or live in la la land with me

Lydia Nolen: yes lets live in lala land

dragonez: Or just accept that this is what this part is and become yet another woman who is waiting for the husband she loves to die

dragonez: La la Land is great but you do crash sometimes and trust me those moments are not pretty

Lydia Nolen: I told him some of my plans for after his death
Lydia Nolen: It hasn't seemed to bother himLydia Nolen: I think he thinks I'm joking
Lydia Nolen: or that he is never going to die

dragonez: No it doesn't bother LEs either I think he is happy knowing I am planning something but then as I said he thinks he should have been dead the last 15 years
dragonez: Or both

Lydia Nolen: Maybe he is dead
Lydia Nolen: Just still breathing

dragonez: Could be - as long as his ghost keeps doing sishes and cleaning units I can live with that