Drafts pile Medley ( It was either this or ditch them all together)

I was trying to clean up my drafts pile and I deleted all of my one line drafts and left all that were more than a paragraph. I intended to compose a drafts medley but then it occured to me that I should have saved the one line and three word blogs because together they were probably my Magnum Opus. So stay tuned to a for a jumbled blog that makes no sense ( I guess that is just the usual)
I hardly have any blog worthy material and yet that does not stop me from tapping out a few lines now and again. I've been feeling like shit lately. I can't just do what the Seussical song says and just tell myself how lucky I am. Truth be told I do have a certain amount of luck, blessings would probably be a more appropriate word. I do feel blessed each day but somehow that does not stop me from feeling all manner of unpleasantries. I have been thinking about this and I have decided that I am either manic depressive or I that God has just blessed with with overwhelming emotion. Yeah the loon theory does seem more plausible.
If someone could give me the antidote to loving him I would greedily gobble it up because I am sick of being in this much pain, but I would rather he just love me as I am. He has been home less than a day and already the list of shit that I have done wrong in his absence is is substantial. It's all petty shit in my opinion but they all warrant his criticism. First he thought the house smelled like cats even though I had just cleaned the box, I ended up saying that I would steam clean the carpets. Then it was the fact that I opened a bill even if it did have my name on it (he's the one that pays them). I have in the past lost mail that I have opened so I guess the scolding was just to reinforce the idea. Then he threatened that I should not work because our son skipped his spelling homework a few times this week. I resisted the urge to gasp and say my lord he will become a juvenile delinquent for sure now. I slept for nine hours today and he announced that I should get up, I informed him that my sleep has been averaging about 4 hours a day. One two hour nap from 1-3 PM and another from about 8-10 pm. Why would I want to be awake anyway, so I can taxi people around, fold laundry, cook? It's clear I am in a bitchy mood.

The fragrance of the new day was sweet but I couldn't name what the exact fragrance was. The air was barely cool and I missed the crispness of previous mornings. I'm not really awake yet, I just sort of stumbled the boys to school. I decided to fore go the coffee, for no real reason really.
Driving to the Bluff (again) to pick up one of L's friends. All I am is a taxi service these days. If she could make friends with kids on the same street that would just be too cool. Oh well, I am happy that she is being social.

Scratch that, the brat is having a hissy fit. Apparently she would rather sulk for a bit more. All this over a boy that goes days without changing his clothes. I'm sure we will laugh about this some day. Not today or anytime soon even but someday. Hal suggested that we lock L up in the basement or send her to a nunnery. We have no basement, but the nunnery is still an option. Her father would love that. Actual conversation between L and myself. Please note I have inserted stupid boy where pet boys name should be. Not to protect the innocent but because it's funny to me. Then again I am easily amused but hat goes without saying.

L- Can I call stupid boy?
I have no clue why she even asked me perhaps because she knew I would say no
Me- Um, I don't think so.
L- I miss him.
Me- I'm sorry

Finally a moment to write. It seems as though I have been covered in paint and stain for months. I think I have actually. The house is almost done, it will be strange to finally live there. A young man from down the street helped us with the house today. He asked how long we were going to live there. I said maybe forever. Yes my roots are sunk firmly into the ground, this is where I am going to be for a while at least. K's new job is in Louisiana so we will see how that goes. I feel good today, I have not felt really good in a long while. I have felt overwhelmed and strangely helpless but something has changed either internally or externally and I am feeling like myself again.
The power of positive thinking.... Nah, the power of thinking maybe. Do the things in your mind manifests themselves in reality. Maybe, definately, sometimes. I believe!!! Then I would also have to agree that I have brought a whole bunch of needless shit into my orbit. Everyone has heard the crude saying that you can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which hand fills up first.

I had a very trying week. I tried to stay in the moment, to remain calm and reasonable. I tried not to obseess about things that were not likely to happen. I failed miserably. Before the conference I said to myself no matter what this woman says I will not allow her to get a rise out of me. Ha! In the end I had raised my voice and made demands like a child. I told myself that I will keep myself occupied and not obsess on my loved one's emotions or actions but now I find my stomache twisted in a knot. With unwarranted worry running reels of unlikely scenarios in my head's theater. The worst part of it is I knew better ahead of time. I knew full well what I was doing, I chose accordingly. Then I stepped back and allowed the chaos to ensue. Once again I got swept up in his mania and failed to be the voice of reason.


This is going to be a rant, be forwarned. I know I've mildly bitched recently but don't you miss my full blown rants. L came home and announced that she had signed us up for FAST a program run by the drug and alcohol council where families from the school meet one day each week for dinner, socializing and positive family time, this program lasts for 2 months and it is a good thing. As luck would have it FAST happens to fall on Mondays. This is not a good thing. Monday Monday can't trust that day. K's precious Mondays, it is one of "his" nights. Now I have gotten over the resentment of him having two nights out a week with people that I do not know in a places where I am not welcome. However things tend to pop up on Mondays, and from experience I know that he has a hissy fit whenever he is asked to partake in a family or church event during "his" time. So I informed Lindy that he probably would not be going. When Lindy asked why not, I said remember it is on a Monday, and she badgers me about it and I just tell her that that night is very important to him.

Winter holds no charm for me, it has never been a friend. I once thought that I was in love with Autumn but this morning I felt myself longing for Spring, like a lost lover. I am dreaming of green meadows and wildflowers. True it looks like Autumn but it's a dirty trick, South Texas likes to play.Yang says that it is much too early for me to be yearning for Spring. Odd Spring has never appealed to me before, it must be my age.

I got much of my hair cut off today, I enjoy my hair a little shorter. I rarely cut it because this way because Kelly likes it long. It is funny the things that women do for men. Wearing our hair a way we hate is just one of the many things that I have been guilty of doing just to please him. It is not as if he cares very much what pleases me.

Rob Carey has taken a promotion else where and will not be teaching my daughter to write this year or ever. It was hard news for her and I must admit for myself also. Lindy's love of reading bloomed under this man's guidance. He had an enthusiasm that was catching, and she will miss him greatly and I will miss Lindy coming home and regaling me with his words. Rob Carey could make a story live and breathe.