I had so many words, thoughts and feelings that I wished to express but between then and now they have managed to slip away. They are some place else now, not with me, not in me. No part of me. At the moment I feel like no one in particular. Not like myself, not like an angry or sad version of me.
I was in a foul mood last night at dinner and I just sat there and observed it all not feeling much like participating. The waiter was had this sorry comic routine and I felt like telling him to work on his act but I didn't want to put forth the energy that it would require to speak to him more than absolutely necassary. The children were well behaved. My nephew commented negatively on my sons behavior. Saying something to the effect that his behavior had not changed at all in the last six years. I just dryly said, well neither has yours. He looked confused. I know you are suppose to be nice to people on thier birthday. I will try and remember that. My nephew is six years younger than me, that is funny stuff. I have watched change from a boy into a boy in a mans body. I honestly think that he has gotten stupider in the last six years if that is even possible. That has happened to a few people I know actually. Well now that I have written a few lines I just feel a bit better.
I've been having the strangest dreams, open for interpretation.
Kelly and I purchased a large primitive barn, possibly a farmhouse but there wasn't much too it so I really am not sure which it was. Kelly was going to renovate it and we were going to live there, but all he seemed to be doing was filling it with tools and organizing them. Nothing was actually happening. This went on for quite a long time and was very confusing. Then I drove away with the two youngest and there I was driving on a sandy dune filled beach. I drove into a body of water and I remembered thinking that I should be trying to escape but I felt sleepy and comfortable and did nothing. I think I knew that I was leaving my body and was expecting to float upwards and was surprised to find that I was spiraling down in a grey tunnel (like a reverse tornado) another life on earth. When I became conscious again I was someone else, my children were still with me. I went to my farmhouse and the people there knew me but they told me that I lived there in another time. They showed me pictures of myself and I did not recognize myself in the photographs.