Insane

Just to let you know how much negative energy is hovering around me I some how managed to erase my blog. It was some pretty good stuff too. I'll attempt to recreate it but I'm sure that it will be missing some of the angst. Well it has finally happened. Always have wondered when I would wake up and realize that I was insane. I may have finally lost what little of my functioning mind that was actually in use. Not so happy to announce that guess what people at just the tender age of thirty I have already become my mother. That psycho bitch is me! My two elder children have driven me to do and say things that I swore I never would and wouldn't you know it I am feeling very sympathetic towards my mother. Poor woman she had absolutely no help. She worked so hard! So what if she was an alcoholic and I got a few beatings that I didn't really deserve. I probably did deserve them! Well I'm swimming in an extraordinary pile of shit here at home. Due to the fact that since I've been working I've done even less than usual. So here I am again as usual feeling so overwhelmed. So very overwhelmed and unappreciated. Some of the negativity in my life may be due to the fact that I have given up my fantasy life in an effort to pay more attention. I think that it may have been the only thing keeping me sane. I've decided to rid myself of those things that are cluttering my life. Then I realized that I have nothing, it's everyone else's crap that is cluttering my life. I guess I could throw away some make up or a picture of a certain red haired boy standing near his red sports car but damn it I don't want to. Yes I've quit pretending that he'll show up any minute to whisk me to France. When I had the chance I didn't take it because I had no time to pack. Now here I am and I keep throwing away the dust pan and losing my car keys and misplacing my drivers license. My kids are bad and my husband yells at me too much and I'll have to act like I don't care when he doesn't get me anything for Christmas. I try hard to help others but at heart I am a very selfish person. I just am.