In honor of my son changing his name to Yoda, I'm posting this.

Your Weekly World Tools
Printer Friendly
NEW WHITE HOUSE SHOCKER!
PRESIDENT TO NAME YODA HOMELAND SECURITY CHIEF
Bush refuses to change his mind even after learning Yoda isn't real

By ALFONSO PITELLI

IN a bombshell revelation that shocked even his closest Republican supporters, President George W. Bush announced that his new director of Homeland Security would be Yoda, the famed Jedi master from the Star Wars films.

White House insiders reveal that Bush got the idea after watching the new Stars Wars DVD set he said Santa gave him for Christmas.

"Yoda may not look like much on the outside," the commander in chief told a stunned White House press corps. "But the little guy is one heck of a warrior.

"Anybody with half a brain can see he's the perfect choice."

Bush noted that he was also impressed with the fact that Yoda is pint-size.

"I'll tower over him at press conferences -- which is important since I'm the president," he added.

On the face of it, the 894-year-old Yoda, a member of an undisclosed alien species, would seem like a good replacement for outgoing Homeland Security boss Tom Ridge.

Like Ridge, Yoda doesn't have a neck.

Also, Yoda is a master of The Force and has trained some of the top Jedi knights in the Star Wars galaxy, including Obi-Wan- Kenobi, Mace Windu, Qui-Gon- Jinn, Luke Skywalker and even Darth Vader, who turned evil.

But one administration source tells Weekly World News that Cabinet members were shocked when Bush announced his decision.

Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly blurted out, "But Yoda doesn't exist!" Still, the President refused to budge.

"Bush shot back, 'So what?,' " says the source. " 'I'm the president. If I say we're winning the war in Iraq, then we're winning it. If I say Saddam and Al Qaeda are linked, then they are. If I say we'll find weapons of mass destruction there, then we will -- eventually. Trust me on that one.' "

Adds the source, "As usual, Bush refused to change his mind even after learning that Yoda isn't real."

Instead, Bush told the Cabinet he was especially impressed with Yoda's 500-year track record in "fighting evildoers, like that Garth Vader guy."

He added, "And I'm particularly interested in his ability to sense fluctuations in The Force caused by evil acts. I see that ability to be an asset in predicting when and where our most vile enemies, like Osama Bin Laden, Abu al-Zarqawi and Michael Moore, will strike."

Even top political advisor Karl Rove tried to dissuade the President, pointing out that Yoda dies in Star Wars: Episode VI -- Return of the Jedi. But the President just clamped his hands over his ears and screamed, "Don't tell me what happens! I haven't seen that one yet."

White House chief of staff Andrew Card also noted that as an alien, Yoda may face trouble being confirmed by Congress.

"Well, I'm willing to cash in some of my political capital on this one," Bush said. "But first we'll have to get our friends at INS to give him a quickie green card."

Bush says one of the first things he expects the new director of Homeland Security to do is revamp the national terror attack warning system, which is now color-coded.

"He hates orange and red," says the source. "He says they clash with his eyes."

Published on: 06/28/2005