Ying's World

In the little world of my mind, I have always imagined that if I really really needed someone that they would be there for me. When my husband is at work, and I am alone in the emergency or hospital room I just say to myself he would be here if he could be and sometimes I just pretend that he is there. That's how I get by being alone over half the time. When he is home and he refuses to give me what I need it just reminds me that I really am all alone. I don't really like that feeling, I lashed out at him and called him an asshole in front of the kids. I know it wasn't right but I had such a hard time saying nothing and I was just hurting so much. If the kids get sick , I take care of them, if I get sick I take care of them. What I needed from him was for him to help reinforce the illusion that I could actually depend on him for something. I'm pretty mad at him right now and it doesn't have much to do with him not going to the pharmacy for me. I just can't stop thinking about all the times that he is not there for me.

I keep thinking of when I was sitting in the ICU with B and he didn't even call and ask how we were doing. Called once to bitch at me for not writing a check the way that he has instructed me to. B had asked for a Jamba Juice and I called him to bring one because I din't want to leave her side. He said no and it broke my freaking heart. Just one small thing, and he said no. He couldn't be bothered to. I do the most stupidest ass shit for him all the time and he couldn't even do that for me. That kind of shit is pretty typical with him.

I tried talking to him about how much it hurt that he wouldn't help me by going to the pharmacy and he said that he was so tired from driving that he didn't want to fall asleep on the road. I just had to point out that he always stops at the post office on the way home (that doesn't really sound like complete exhaustion does it?) Whenever I ask him for his help he always asks the same shitty thing. "Why can't you do it?" I asked him for help unloading some boxes from my car a couple of months ago. He asked me why I needed his help and I told him that I am not supposed to lift much because of recent surgery. He never got around to helping me, I got someone else to put the boxes in the garage before I went to Nashville. He will probably complain when he notices that they are in there.