Gifts my parents have given me

My 40th year so far has been one of gifts. Gifts of insight into my life, my past and perhaps my future. Emily was blessed with Christmas snow, a small miracle but one I helped bring. Now if I could just bring money. I told my daughter it was a charm that she needed to bless her life. In thinking of charms I realized once again what a charmed life I have led. From my pony for my fifth birthday to the happiness I carry today, it has indeed been a charmed life.

At times when telling people the story of my life I receive their pity for my hardships. The sudden intake of breathe and subtle disapproval that emanates in regard to my many indiscretions. Looking back I know that my sins were small in the scheme of the world, fantasies enlarged by an imaginative young mind. I have long since paid my fines. I could have traveled very different paths than I have, Pregnant at 12, 3 fathers, 2 mothers, various half, full and step siblings from variety of sources. Pregnant again at 15. Married at 17. Dropped out of high school. Everything I chose was wrong. Every path I strode down was the hard one or maybe it was the easy one, I come closer to this belief on a daily basis.

The truth is I have taken something from all these experiences and they changed me and taught me and guarded me throughout my life. These people,some misguided, some mean spirited and some lost, all loved, shaped me into an honorable soul.

Most kids receive gifts from their parents of intelligence and family. For a child of divorce that becomes plural on the family very quickly. So many people you are expected to interact with on a family level. Can be downright daunting or exhillerating. There were times in my life when I wished my parents hadn't divorced. As an adult I am amazed they stayed married as long as they did. They were never suited for each other I interrupted their lives. My mother, pregnant at 16, promising art student, scholarships to attend Berkeley. My father 18, graduating wanting to go off to college. He wanted to be a teacher or a policeman, he would have been good at either. He became a bricklayer and she became a mom. It was short and bittersweet, my mother would not have lasted in my fathers world she wanted more. He wanted outdoors, family, horses and rodeos. She wanted Saks, a job, nicer homes and cars, independent life without beer and cigarettes. To this day she is fanatic about smokes.

From my father I received my love of the outdoors, my ability to walk into old mines and houses without fear. To climb mountains, talk to horses, cats and birds. My father is the nature God of my life. He taught me to shoot a gun. We watched as he and my uncles cleaned doves pulling the feathers and dropping them into the stream the children were playing in. Bloody feathers swirling around our ankles. One with nature and understanding the role of death. It was accepted, it was dealt with, it was eaten. I rode with my father in JC Rodeo parades, He in his Vaquero leathers and wide brimmed hat. I still have the leather shirt he wore and the wide brimmed sombrero he wore on his head. Definitely a charmed life.

All of my fathers taught me honor. My true fathers gift was that of absolute certainty and a willingness to shoulder the burdens of the world or at least make himself suffer for them. His weaknesses are wine women and smoke. What else should I have expected from a nature God. He has in large part molded the red neck woman - part time drama queen side of my nature and, to you Sai, I Say Thank Ye

From my mother, I learned so much it is hard to imagine much less contemplate the vast space in my life she occupies. For three decades I sought her approval and fought against her very way of life, suddenly I find myself missing the pomp and circumstance she brings to everyday life. From my mother I learned independence, how to survive alone and that nothing can stop me unless I let it. From her I learned that if you make bad choices, you can choose differently and much to her dismay I am sure, I learned how to stand up for my beliefs in the face of all dissagreement. Strangely enough I learned this by standing up to her, I am sure that wasn't what she had planned. I am thankful that she insisted I learn manners and that she exposed me to the finer things in life no matter how pretentious I may think they sometimes are. I am greatful that I was taught manners and how to behave properly in all situations. From her I also received my love of reading. She always supplied my habit, and not just with books appropriate for my age. She let me read anything. She taught me to cook, and cook well, with fine ingredients. She taught me to serve gratiously when needed. She taught me sales and customer service. Usually by me having to sell some idea to her. Early on I hated her for not spending enough time with me and for letting me be alone too much of my childhood. Then I ran away thinking that that is the only way I could be free. , Only to discover how much I miss her and that moving away isn't the best way to find more time alone with her. Okay, so I am a slow learner. I am grateful she made me do things I hated such as writing spelling words ten times each every night, going to private schools which I thought were hell. In the end I became a good speller not that you could tell by reading these blogs, I never said she made me a good typist. And that school that I hated so much became my favorite as the years went by and what I would model a school after if I were to open one. Most of all she taught me that no matter how fractured a relationship, or what has happened in the past, family is everything and she has always been there for me.
If it hadn't been for having such a disfunctional family I would have never known what to avoid when raising my own kids. So I am grateful for every disfunctional minute.

My Stepmother Heidi was my first best friend and the parent who most helped me get through my teenage years. Only 18 when my father married her I am amazed we ever became friends and that she didn't just hate me for the rotten snot I was at times. The earliest evil child memory I have with her was when she picked us up for a weekend and we went to Kmart to pick up some stuff. I made it out of the car and went on a viscious spree of how Kmart was for lower class people and that I would never shop in a place like that. Those of you who knbow me as the yardsale and auction queen should be laughing hard about now. To her I credit my ability to move away and actually raise a family of 4 on 600-800 dollars a month. Alas I will never be as frugal or as committed to saving for every eventuality but she was an exceptional role model for both. She was the one who listened to all my teenage angst, who I went to when I hated everyone else. She was the one who was there when Joshua was born and who took care of me in so many ways. She even forgave me for making her a grandmother at 26. One of the greatest things she taught me was that housework really isn't that important and that being everything to everyone will drive you crazy. She was the perfectionist housekeeper, She did everything for everyone and we all let her for which we shold be dutifully flogged. She has literally worked herself into a painful midlife, showing how much doing everything can cost when you don't expect it. In the last few years our relationship has come and gone depending on the problems she has had in her own life. Some days I miss her terribly and everyday I wish she could feel well again, and have time for her own life instead of caring for everybody elses. I want her know that in the end I am thankful she married my father, I wouldn't be who I am without her.

Jim Douthit my First stepfather. The man who walked into my life at 8 years of age when I was already an intelligent, stubborn and willful child. He tried to be there for me but wasn't always able. He walks a very different path than I. He is the one person I know who has always done everything right. Good grades, good college, good job. everything proper and in its place. To him I credit more than he would imagine.
Things like good dental care. He refused to ever allow candy into our house and I have to admit my brother had like 21 cavities when first taken to the dentist and Jim was a dental fanatic. I hated him for the no candy and no pop rules and then promptly forced those same rules onto my children. Because of him my children learned to say yes maam and yes sir. I also credit him with my ability to give exceptionally longwinded lectures on any subject. Lectures that children remember for years after they spoken. He also taught me how to play chess. It had to have been hard for him walking into our family , My mother and I are some of the most willful women I know and we never made it easier. He brought us great family vacations and that true leave it to beaver feel around the house. I liked that but wasn't ready to accept it when he was there. We have never understood eachother and I doubt we ever will but I wish him the best and know that if I ever needed anything he would be there for me. Though he would expect a properly written thankyou note afterwards. I wish for him to find happiness and maybe to find himself, looking back he always lived on the fringe of our life. Never seeming to know quite what to do or how to respond and always afraid of what wasn't proper or right. He has been immensly helpful to Joshua and a good father to my brother. Someday maybe we will connect and find a way to communicate successfully but I doubt it.

James Tolman or Poppy as he is more commonly referred to is my current stepfather. I thank him for bringing my mother happiness. I was 16 and already out of the house by the time he married my mother and I don't have a lot of cute anecdotes about him but I can say he is a good man whom we all love and respect. His greatest gift to me is his acceptance. He accepted all of us with our flaws and has helped to hold together the family. Not perfect by any means and a sincere avoidance policy on conflict he has none the less lasted 25 years in our family and that is the record. Not sure how, but he has always made me feel special and for some reaon I think deep inside he actually likes the part of me that fought with my mother and who insisted I do my own thing or maybe he is just glad we aren't living with him or letting him raise our children. He has been an excellent grandfather to my children and husband to my mother what more can a girl want.

I want to thank you all for being there when I needed you and for loving me when I was an evil, ungrateful child. I thank God everyday that he brought such a wonderful and varied cast of chracters for me to model my life upon.

You done good, it wasn't what you expected but it has been good. I love you all and because of your gifts my life has truly been charmed.