A draft posted as is, from July 2004

No longer on a rampage. Kelly is off shore once again. I held him tightly before he left so early this morning while it was still dark.  I miss him when he is gone but not the way I miss him when he's here. Here is the jist of it. He has no time for me and I have no time for me and he has no time to help me have time for me. I am not so demanding, I would like nothing more than to have some time to do something that I enjoyed without having to take all the children or even some of the children with me. When I said that Kelly just did not get it, I meant that he really does not realize what is important in life.  Kelly never stops to smell the proverbial roses. Doesn't relax for long enough to enjoy anything whatsoever. We camped on the beach a few years ago and while it was lovely to sleep near the ocean what I remember the most was Kelly cursing and fighting with a tarp and the tent. Kelly needs to chill out! I love this man so much and it tears me apart to see him this way (ocassionally it pisses me off also). Kelly can't teach me organization and I can't teach him relaxation. I would like to though and I would do it so lovingly. Last night at dinner he used my age against me he said something to the effect that I'd been no where and done nothing. Which if he would have thought about it for a  moment he would have realized that I've lived and loved and learned quite a bit for my not quite thirty years. I'm going to be thirty soon. Where did the last ten years of my life go. 
  It seems like such a short time ago I was in Deutschland boarding a plane to Texas. I was just twenty and I wanted to be an independent woman. I was running away from the boy that I was married to. Eric did not want to play house with me. He did not want to talk to me while I bathed. He liked to play video games. He liked to go out with his friends. He liked filthy clubs thick with smoke and noise. He did not believe in God. He was thrilled that I enlisted in the airforce. I think he thought  that he would leave  the army and depend on me. He didn't have a clue that what I was up to. So I got on the plane looking and feeling very Europian after my two years abroad. No longer a short chubby girl, I had grown a few inches and lost more than a few pounds. I was seated as luck would have it after an old airforce colonel near retirement. He told me that he envied me as my life and career had essentially just begun. The old dude got teary eyed but all his sentiment basically just annoyed me as I was as immature and un appreciative. At least at that moment I was. Towards the end of the what seemed to be endless flight I began to feel ill. I thought that I was airsick. I exited the airplane and made my way to the USO room.  I had expected that their would be someone their to greet me but I was the only one there. I called my parents on the phone as I had not spoken to them in perhaps a few months. They were happy to hear from me. An army specialist by the name of Jessica arrived soon after and we struck up a conversation. Soon we were at the hotel bar having a drink with a couple of guys stationed at Lackland. Eventually about a half a dozen other recruits filtered in. A