Mind and Heart

The morning sun is still just as beautiful and I think to myself how dare it be. I am praying to God to remove C from my mind and heart. Yesterday I found myself in the presence of friends and they held my hand stroked my hair and generally comforted me while I cried like a fucking baby. I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself, I have lost nothing. Perhaps I lost the illusion of something grand but that is all it was, an illusion. It wasn't real or solid or tangible, less real than a dream. I could be angry but I'm not. I am not feeling much of anything actually. Honestly I wasn't doing all that great a month ago and the way I feel now may even be a slight improvement. I know that God loves me because God is constantly speaking to me and showing me love. Yesterday morning I was feeling exremely low, my mind was in that dark place and my heart may have been as well and in the midst of all of it God spoke to me. I was at Manor delivering some materials to J when I heard a knocking but no one was at the door then I looked and saw a woodpecker knocking on the glass. He flew around to all the windows in each room I went in and did the same thing. I think that the bird was God saying hey you, knock knock, let me in. Then as I was contemplating the bird I lookedat the mural and saw a beautiful butterfly just sitting there slowing flutttering it 's wings. I didn't really find a meaning in the butterfly other than just seeing beauty when I felt anything but beautiful.