Things that make me cry

I go from day to day pretending I am not sick while knowing I am. I breeze through Chemo with everyone going "look at you you are so strong, you are doing so well, I am so sure it is going to be alright." Then there are the faithful assuring me that I am in Gods Hands or praying over me declaring me healed. While I never turn away a heartfelt prayer I am not certain I want to be in Gods hands. I think unnoticed is preferable. Maybe I can hide and he wont notice and will let me continue upon my broken path. The drive by healing is hubris, the idea that god needs anyone's help to heal me is amusing. But then so much of religiosity is hubris. Man believing God needs our help or that we have a clue what the mind of God really is. I do not fear death. I fear not getting to do all the things I want one last time. Simple things like going through the grocery store and seeing blueberry muffin mix or the bread dough I use for Christmas cinnamon rolls. I want to buy all my favorite things knowing I haven't the time to actually cook them all or the appetite to eat them. But they make me think was last Christmas my last, have I celebrated my last new year, my last trip to the beach. My last jacuzzi with the hubs, how many things have I taken for granted how many people will I never even tell goodbye.