Pictures

 The various computers in our household contain thousands of my memories. Digital photos that never quite got to sparkle on paper. Never framed, never hung in the hall or even posted on facebook. Just  lingering in the cyber mist. Most will eventually fall victim to computer crashes or worse. Theirs is a sad life. There printed counterparts hardly have it any better, very few have made it into a frame. Just a massive pile of paper in a plastic tub. Some have curled edges and creases, it's not the sort of life that I had hope for my cherished children. I should have known that they could only rise so far given that I am their mother.

  My mother in law Nancy Ann left us two days ago,  I am going through my pictures trying to find something suitable that I can blow up to an 8x10 for her memorial. I have enjoyed looking through my many pictures. I seem to have 100's of pictures of everyone, including my animal companions and each and every stray that has roamed into our home and hearts over the years . I have chronicled nearly every moment from each years Renfest. I have piles of delightful botanical images. I have great photos of perfect strangers. So many photos of my children, they will cherish  them someday. Moments in time that are all but forgotten until I peek into that box of nostalgia, 

  I tried to photograph Nancy as much as I could after she became ill, None of those photos would be appropriate for her memorial. I am certain that she would haunt me if I made any of them public. Prior to her illness, she was nearly non existent in our lives. Early on she decided that she did not have time for my little family. Maybe it wasn't a conscious decision and it probably sounds worse than it really was. I have heard that at one time she was a very loving involved grandmother to her other grandchildren.Perhaps her youngest sons children just came along to late in her life to be bothered with, For whatever reason she decided to move an hour a way when my oldest child was an infant (prior to that she had lived about half a block down the street.) Her location at any time was probably of no importance because we did not see hide nor hair of her. In those days I was very anxiety ridden and driving more than ten minutes to get somewhere was mortifying. I had only been driving a couple of years. Kelly never took us to visit her mother and we never received any invitations. Blog historians will remember the time I ugly girl cried after she said she didn't have time for my children. Water under the bridge but a logical explanation as to why she is absent from my paper memory pile.
  I was one of her main caregivers when she went through her cancer treatment. I grew to love her and accept her for who she was and to mostly stop judging her. I am sad that I do not have one beautiful photo. It is what it is. I wish that I had the tenacity that it would have taken to push myself into her life. I am told that I am easy to love, not easy to live with but easy to love . I don't know how true that is. I would like to believe it was a little bit true and in the end I think she loved me.