Well here I am Lord, and I am just the same as I have always been. My life is very strange these days and honestly sometimes I am just a little overwhelmed. I miss my son, and my heart aches because I am afraid that I will never again be part of his life. I should not feel this way, my child is not dead and I have am grateful to God that he walks and breathes and that he is in so many already a very fine man. It's my selfishness that injures me, I desire his presence I want to hear his voice and see his face. I want him to know how much I love him. I want him to know me.

   I am so torn between this over whelming guilt that I feel for allowing him to become so disconnected with our family and the resentment that I feel towards his father for essentially brainwashing our child. I believe that he has irreparably harmed his spirit. I wonder if the best thing I can do is let go. I wonder what it takes to break a child's bond with their mother.  So this is my ever present grief that I am swallowing. Then there is my inadequacy. I think about all the ways I am an inadequate human being and that if I could have been more than what I am then perhaps my child would still love me.

  I have decided to write him a letter to tell him I am sorry.

 I became irate with my son. The night before we were about to get on a plane to go to my father's memorial he said that he had something to do at school and could not go. He was to be my only companion. The ticket was bought, I had asked him and he chose less than 24 hours before to inform me of this. He was dishonest with his father and said that I was forcing him to go that he did not want to. probably because he felt ashamed that he cared for me. I believe that he has been conditioned not to. I pleaded and yelled at him. In the end he did not go. I held no ill will for what transpired. I know he felt tremendously guilty. That was all it took, coupled with a couple a few light hearted jokes I had made through out the years. That and the fact that I am at my core just a very different person than his father and my son has been taught to hate. This was all it took for my son to imagine me a monster. I know I have many shortcomings and I am positive that these are also factors.
  I am not going to try and convince myself or anyone else that I am a worthwhile human being. I know who and what I am.

Son, I love you and I am sorry that my words and deeds have hurt you. I want you to know that I am not angry with you and that I am here for you if you ever decide that you want me to be your mother again. We all miss you.

I  am at a loss for words. I do not know what else to say. Perhaps that is all that there is to say.

 This is big but it's not everything. I have a spouse that doesn't smile, who's quick to anger. I feel like he may be more miserable than ever and even though I really do know that I can't possibly be the cause of this, I really fear that I am. Heavy stuff but that's a story for another day. There is a Butterscotch cat sitting beside my keyboard purring away. Just content to be beside me and that helps a lot. Thank you God!

 I had a weird dream last night. It's all a jumble now but here are the parts I remember.

I was on a boat with other people and it was sinking. It was kind of boat that the coast guard used. We docked the boat and then took the same boat out again. Big surprise it sunk again. So then I determined what the issue was and was making a plan to fix it.
   Then I was in the water swimming with my large family but it wasn't this family it was a different family and we were making preparations for something, a party or a celebration of some sort. There were floating Teddy Bears in the water and dog food. LOL

Next dream I was at a Ren Fest and when I handed a lady some tickets two of them said Queen. Then she led me to a tent and found a costume for me. It was a peach color, it had a feathered mask and a crow. My kids and my husband where there. I remembered thinking  that she should be costuming L and not me because L is the one that deserves attention.

Then I was in a small house and I realized that I had a cobra protruding from my face and I was so afraid that it would bite me that I decided to pull it out. Even though I knew that when I pulled it out I would definitely get bit. Apparently definitely getting bit was preferable than the constant fear of getting bit. It sunk it's fangs into my hand and It felt absolutely real. It was like a fire and a knife at the same time. I dialed 911 and it was busy. I kept dialing,
parts of my body were getting numb and I was so tired. I finally got through and they said that they were in the next city and that I was going to have to save myself. I noticed the cobra was loose and I grabbed it so it wouldn't hurt anyone else. I got bit again and then I killed it with my hands. 911 said to drink a gallon of milk and to jump up  and down. This did not seem that reasonable but I decided to try it. I went to the fridge and pulled out the milk. I drank straight from the gallon jug. The milk was thick and sour, I did not think that it would work. I ran outside and tried to get people to help  me but they did not care. I yelled at them. I told them t hat  they promised my husband they would help me. They told me to ask him for help. He was asleep in the bedroom and wouldn't wake up. Then I thought to myself. I am going to die. I wasn't afraid but I just wasn't ready to leave yet. Then I woke up.