Screaming

Is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me?

Ask me anything and at this moment the truth would spill out. Oh how life has changed. For the better? So here is what is different. I have not lived with my husband for over a year and somehow have managed to contract an incurable lifelong illness. Also have managed to fall in love with a being that will never feel the way that I feel I feel for him ever. Do I require that, I suppose not. I know I have issues,that has never been up for debate. I spent the summer in a limbo of sorts, traveling and undecided. Here I am now.. So many details that I will just gloss over because it would be too real. I am so full of love and light. I guess I will elaborate. There is a new spirit on this Earth and she grounds me more than I ever imagined that I could be.

  My husband really never cared for me, he liked me fine when I was a skinny little doll that cried in the bathroom and just wanted to please but then I grew up to be a woman, my body changed with the children I carried and living gave me a confidence that he did not like. Such is life. He asked me to  leave and I complied. I left my home and my sons. It was heartbreaking and liberating all at once. It might have had something to do with the temporary insanity that is and was my immersion in animal rescue and also my new Vegan lifestyle which I do not apologize for. 

  Illness

It was as if I woke up one morning and my body had failed me. My muscles melted off my body, everything changed and now I am slowly regaining my former strength. So much medicine, so many tests, MRI's, medication, mood swings, weakness, pain, fear, uncertainty. But here I am just climbing, clinging, I have a lot of living to do but damn do I feel my mortality now more so than ever.

Love, I have learned as if I did not know it before that I have an immense capacity for love and I am so selfish that I do not even want to write about him. What I do know is that sometimes love is not a decision. Sometimes it's an incomprehensible overwhelming wave that you cannot wrap your mind around. 

 Four months ago a new little spirit slipped into the realm and she is lovely and filled with light. She looks like her father and her mother and myself at certain angles. 

I miss you Brandy Dickerson, I will never ever ever meet anyone like you ever, but I am going to keep up with our crappy little blog and may my complaints and elations honor you in some small way. I wish I was a better time traveler, but I am just a accidental emotional time traveling idiot. I will be more and I will share.