CastleTrash - A Bit Of Medieval Humour

From the lords and ladies at Castletrash:

You know you're Castle Trash if..

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted
You can't afford a cod piece................nobody notices
You have more sheep dogs than sheep
You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...
The plague improved your complexion...........but only for a little while
The Pope sends you to the Crusades...........in Norway
Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier
The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom
Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom
You won "most improved " at the tournament
They call your daughter "made Marian"
Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"
Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son
Your skullery maids laugh out loud when you call Edward The First ,"big Ed"

You know you're castle trash if your war tent says Walmart on the top flap
You have to polish your own lance....a lot.
Your portcullis is painted flourescent lime green
The torture chamber equipment is by "Acme Inc."
The moat is full of old carriage tires
Your hennin (pointed female headress) is made out of newspaper.
Your jeweled sword handle consists of multi-colored jellybeans and macaroni.
You have at least one suit of horse armor on blocks in your front yard
You have the smithy weld a special pocket on your armor for your chew
You have a sword rack behind the driver's seat on your carriage
You don't understand why inbreeding in the monarchy is a problem
You have many types of seige engines in your collection....only one or two work
You had to have the serfs remove the wheels from your castle
The only dragon you've defeated is a purple one named Barney
Flushing the toilet disturbs the ducks in your moat.
The sword in the sword rack of your carriage is rusted to the rack.
Your round table has a hole in the middle for the umbrella.
You know you're Castle Trash if your cooking pots are all avocado
green or sunburst orange.
Your armor is primarily bondo colored.
You have more than one cousin employed as a Rat Catcher.
You know you are Castle Trash when your maiden name is ...iron.
Your court magician's only viable spell is "Noxious Fumes of Death", but it only works if someone pulls his finger.
You know you're Castle Trash, when your moat is a kiddy pool from Walmart.
You know you're Castle Trash, when you couldn't afford a dragons head for your main hall so you used an iguana's head.
You know you're Castle Trash, when your wizard is an 8 ball.
Your lady's new ballgown is made of hotpink polyester
....The Black Knight refuses to storm your castle.
....Your mother still picks out your armor.
...People call you "Lord Bubba"
...Your coin pouch is hooked to you by a large chain- but it's empty
..The naughahyde is your preferred dragon to slay
Your lady has worn curlers to court "cause she might be goin' somewhere important later".
You have a ball and by midnight your guests are swimming nude in the moat.
Your title is the "Duke of Earl".
Your carriage has a bumper sticker that says "protected by sword and stone".
You don't want to move the horse armor on blocks in your yard because it would "ruin the effect'.
You name all your squires "Billy".
You buy a new horse and it says "some assembly required".
You fail as a medical practictioner because you take "lancing a boil" too literally.
You pour gallons of Mr. Bubble in the moat for laughs.
You try to milk a minotaur.
You use pixies as fly fishing lures.
You pluck all the feathers off a Pegasus because "they're real purty".
Your castle is made of cinder blocks and has a corrugated tin roof.
You have "See Rock City" painted on the side of your castle.
You don't have a Family Tree, you have a Family Stick.
Your wizard is your first, second and third cousin.
You have 30 people with Ale-guts sitting around your Great Hall during every joust.
You buy everything the traveling peddler sells because it is a "deal of a lifetime".
If you don't have falcons, but crows.
The new vinyl siding on your castle is real perdy
You sleep in the stables with the horses because you need some loving.
When your castle is 5" and made out of lego's and your wizard of wisdom is a furby.
You're banquets consist of 3 cups of dip, a bowl of doritos and plenty of leftover
" Happy Birthday" Napkins.
Your minstrels start calling you "The Brave Sir Robin" (please note the Monty Python reference...)
Your favorite movie is "The Princess Bride"
The King says, "I'm your father and your uncle".
You've had the blacksmith weld your carriage doors shut and you climb in through the windows.
Your title is "Duke of Hazzard".
You introduce your wife and sister to a visiting knight and there is only one person standing beside you.
You come out of the pub and find your mount up on blocks without horseshoes.
Your favorite mead is "Billy Ale"
Your favorite tunic says #3 Dark Knight.
The horses at the jousting tournaments have advertisements on their armor.
You eat veggi burgers to watch your draconic diet.
You floss with your noble steed's mane.
You loose all your hair making out with the fire-breathing dragon
You decide not to go on crusade because they don't sell beer at the concession stands during half time.
Your plate armor is covered in Bond-O.
Your court wizard casts a spell, he rubs his medallion in a semi-hunched over position and blankly stares off and says "Noooonie-noonie-nuuuuuuu!"
All your shields have bullseyes painted on them.
Your first line of infantry men carry a banner into battle which says "Cannon Fodder" on it.
Your Man-at-arms has your men watch Monty Python's Holy Grail for battle techniques
You might be Castle Trash if you ever used any of these pickup lines:


Been there, slain that
My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it
You won`t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends on it!!
Milady, it`s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within
They don`t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know
A day just wouldn`t be complete without a Knight
Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor



You have a small sign just across your moat that says "To storm castle, take a number."
A second and larger sign flashes "Now serving 666." in bright red letters

Your know you're castle trash when your wizard needs to plug in his magical orb into the wall socket to make it work
when you're bowmen are cross-eyed and spend days wondering over the overabundance of deaths in your battles
when your crown was your daughter's last year arts and crafts project.
when you pretend to withdraw a sword from a large rock and then claim to have rights to at least food and shelter
when you attempt to bribe your rival knight into falling off of his horse
before the jousting tournament
when you have a bumper sticker on the back of your wagon saying "arthur rules"
the latrines are bright blue port-o-johns
your valliant stallion consists of a wooden rod and a head with the face
drawn on with black permanent marker
your helmet consists of tin foil wrapped around your head with little holes poked out for the eye slits
your wife tells you you can't compete in the joust because your tights are a wee bit too tight
You've got a special chain mail cover for your mobile phone
Your authentic 12th Century Tent has a jacuzzi
Your costume influences include "The Heraldic World Of Barbie"
You turtle wax your shield
You think Prince of Thieves was a damm good film
The fur trimming on your cloak is more gerbil than ermine
Your leper's begging bowl is dishwasher safe
The last time you got married the happy couple had six legs between them
Your best sword is plastic and has Zena warrior stamped on it
You drink diet mead
You wish they made kosher boars heads for banquets
You don't let your friends sleep over if their shields clash with the tapestries
You've given up sex because the chain mail leaves rust on the sheets.
Your torture chamber has under floor heating , rugs, bean bags and was inspired by a feature in Hello magazine
Your village idiot has his own website
You aspire to a chic "belfry" apartment
Your TV Guide is hand illuminated on velum
You know you're castle trash if you play 007 and Mission Impossible music at all your jousting tournaments.
...if your cell phone rings in the middle of a banquet.
...if your court jester says he's from the land of Nickelodeon.
...if you use a dagger to open your letters.
...when your lady burps in court and everyone laughs.
...if the only damsel in distress that you've saved was your little sister's barbie doll that your dog was chewing on.
...if your lady can down a whole tankard of beer in less than five minutes.
...when you go to fight a dragon only to realize you forgot to put your pants on.
You know you're Castle Trash when you've been married seven times, and you're still in the same clan.
The royal children refer to you as "Uncle Daddy".
Your holy grail is actually a beer hat with a 2 can capacity.
Your favorite movie is "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" because, unlike other Robin Hoods, this one actually speaks with a British accent.
Your bravest and most honorable knight is Sir Seymour Butts.
You have more gold on your teeth than on your crown.
Your trusty steed is a burro named "Hoopty".
You are the self proclaimed "King Bud, King of beers".
You think brownies and sprites are party foods, not forest creatures.
The art on your castle walls consist of classic works of art like "Dogs Playing Poker".
Your royal family tree forms a wreath.
You share a name with your royal hunting dog.
There is a sign on your door that reads, "If the castle's a rockin', don't come a knockin'".
You use a hubcap as your shield.
Your royal subjects refer to you as "dude".
Your castle has been involved in a hit and run.
Your lady has more body hair than you do.
The tires on your castle are bigger than you are.
You frequent the "Monster Castle Races".
You use your sword to pick your teeth.
Your belt buckle can double as a shield.
You patch up your armor with Kraft glue and duct tape.
Your wine's ingredients consist of water and cherry-flavored powder.
Your sword and shield are made of tinfoil and cardboard, with sequins for jewels.
Your cape and robe are both donations from the Salvation Army.
You wax your castle floor with toothpaste and soapy water.
Your helmet visor is a pair of cheap sunglasses.
The plume on your helmet is made from toilet paper.
Your horse says "woof".
You write letters using a toothpick instead of a quill.
You use paper napkins for parchment.
You know you're Castle Trash when your sword is held together by duct tape and bailing wire.


Submissions are always welcome - medieval humor is hard to come by






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