It's better to feel pain than never feel at all

Yeah those are some lyrics. It's been a while since I have had a weird dream so I thought I would preserve it here. First some reality, I was too tired to drive last night. I had been on the road and had only two hours of sleep. One of my fosters David offered to take me to Spiral for dinner. I viewed it more like a ride and not as a date or company. Maybe that is weird, I don't know. He only ordered chips and guac, he didn't want to say that he didn't want to try vegan food but that was the basic vibe I was getting. So inevitably he brought up my best friend and asked me if something was true. I was too tired to lie so I said yes and no. Yes I love him, no that other part is outrageous. Not because it doesn't sound plausible but because it just isn't the case. I felt like I had said too much because it was beginning to feel like he only wanted the information and not really the communication. Anyway he proceeded to tell me how he had given up on me because I was so fucked up and that I should seek counseling. He said I should focus my attention on someone I actually have a chance with. Then he said had a chance with. I should have said fuck you. But instead, I just said I'm not available, which didn't even make sense. Then I just awkwardly walked out to the bar across the street. He didn't follow me,thank you fucking furr baby Jesus. I ordered a drink and waited for my Uber. The bar was a mix of hipsters and we'll dressed business men and could have been the no sleep delirium but I could swear that every other man was looking at me. Must be the tight shirt and the breasts. They brought me a shirt to wear for the adoption event and it was smaller than I like. I briefly entertained the idea of cancelling the cab but then I looked up on the walls and noticed that the decor was all taxidermy. Well fuck me. So on my way back to Cherry Lane Uber dude is playing the Lumineers. I dig that. Make my way to my room and fall I to bed exhausted. Dreams .... Time for weird dreams. I was in a hotel room with my first husband and he looks like he did. So perfect and the sunlight was shining through the window  on his pale blonde hair. I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting in front of me and I had my arms wrapped around him and I thought this is right. Then I remembered all the history and my only thought was where is your wife. Next scene, D my best friend and I are walking through an immense field and we are looking up at the stars and I am so happy and I don t care about anyone or anything I am just there breathing the cool night air. Next scene still with D we are walking in the am and all the cats are following us and we are laughing and I am laughing so hard because something he said was so funny that I actually have tears streaming down my face. Then we are somewhere else and there are a lot of people and we are watching a movie. D is walking through a crowd and I am trying to catch up with him and I can't. Then there is no crowd and I am walking through empty buildings that are being remodeled. I keep saying his name. I open cupboards, closets under beds. I am distressed. I open one closetand there is a wild cat like a small mountain Lion in it. I close the cupboard and yell D!!!!!! He comes out and says I know then he disappears. I am walking by myself. I have accepted the fact that he is probably just gone and I don't bother looking for him anymore. I don't feel sad or happy or anything at all. I am walking in an abandoned I industrial area D comes running up with some other guy and they are running and playing the guitar and singing and the sight is so comical that I laugh out loud, I am relieved to have found him and so freaking happy to be looking at him. Then a petite pretty girl walks up with long brown hair and he strokes her arm and pullsher closer. I just walk away.