Wisdom, Common Sense & Outright Lies: 12/01/2005

iWon News

iWon News: "Australian scientists have proved what is common knowledge to most people -- that teaspoons appear to have minds of their own."

Police Alert!!

The police are looking for a suspect described as sexy, funny, and great in bed.

Your ugly ass is safe, but where should I hide?

Fafblog! the whole worlds only source for Fafblog.

Fafblog! the whole worlds only source for Fafblog.: "The future is now, and it is the future of pie! These aren't your granma's clunky ol geezer pies here. These pies are brand new. These are high-tech super-engineered self-replicating nanopies, and they are the bold new tomorrow of dessert.

Are you still sittin there with your old-timey horse-an-buggy dinosaur pie? Cause all the robots an the martians an the organ clones are gonna laugh at you. They're gonna laugh at your moldly ol pie.

The nanopies don't just taste better than regular ol pie. They taste more efficient. They are injected by the thousands into your bloodstream where they shoot up into the central nervous system and build microscopic technopie colonies at the base of the corpus delecatessum, the pie center of the brain. There they begin to stimulate the brainal nerves with the direct experience of pie a thousand times faster and more technolicious than old-fashioned hand-operated pie ever could!"

FRIED

Hello all! I've missed blogging. My computer is fried, it won't even power on. I need to call Brandy. Maybe she can resurrect it, or tell me I need to buy a new computer. I am typing on Kelly's laptop. He is annal about his computer and won't give me his password, so when he's gone all day and his computer is doing nothing, I can't use it. I think that this constitutes spousal abuse. The sad thing is that I have lost loads of my writing. Mostly just my whining but there were a few pearls in there I'm sure. I guess that's what I get for not backing up my files. Lots going on but will have to catch up later.

For The Pet Lovers (Don't ever let them hear you call yourself a pet "owner"!!)

Okay - so my menagerie of pets extends beyond the usual dogs and cats and into the realm of barnyard animals, but hey - cows and chickens and ducks and guinea hens have feelings too! Besides, number 3 and 4 at the bottom rang so true for me that I just had to post this!

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

More free stuff - this time for you music lovers!

Register at Boomer (it's free - link below) and then click on the link to emusic - register at emusic and you get 100 free music downloads, which you have to use in 30 days. Will ask you for a credit card, but you are never charged anything for your 100 free songs. If you just want the 100 songs, download them and then just deactivate the membership. No strings attached. No catch, the songs are yours. You will only be billed if you want to remain a member after your 30-day trial. After you register at the Boomer Coalition web site you get also receive information about how to prevent cardiovascular disease including a personal report card and health tips on prevention.

Boomer Coalition | CVD is our generation's disease. Let's fight it!