Gibberish

Truth be told there were dozens of different reasons why she chose to disassociate herself with a certain individual but chose the momentary one. Because how really do you describe being talked down to, and being unnappreciated, and working with people that were unnappreciated and inflexible. So it was the final straw so to speak when she posted a Gif of Mindy eating a steak. The offended party is only human after all. It was not funny and she offered no apology. If she had then the offended Vegan would have certainly caved in. It is good for everyone to have the tiniest bit of an ego. She was not Gandhi or Mother Theresa. She was a regular human being, imperfect and loving.  

She was not selfless, she was not a saint. She cusses, She gets angry, she loves, she is only human and as much as she tried to disconnect herself from so many human emotions in the end she was just a human animal like so many others.

She was absolutely insane, crazy, wacko, unreasonably unrealistic. When she was told that she basically had no shot in hell of being with the one that makes her soul sing any normal person would take that for what it is but not this girl. Cause she loves  misery. Because she wanted to pine away for him and constantly wonder what was wrong with her and why she was not good enough. Part of her wanted him to go away so she could be free and another part just wanted to be in his orbit in any way she could. This will not end well she thought to herself. Teetering in between unrequited love and platonic devotion. He gave her no cause to or encouragement. He was just himself.

I am turning sixty in February.  For the past (gosh has it really been?) few years I have been without a 'man' in my life.   It feels really weird, I never really had to seek out a relationship, they just seemed to happen naturally and I have not been without a lover/relationship for more than a short time since I was capable of maintaining one. hah.  So, for the most part, I am just trying to be someone I like to be around...and do what I love, which is what we are supposed to do, right?  right? 

Sometimes I feel sad and wish I had someone to snuggle at night.  Lack of sex does not bother me like it used to although it would be welcome if it ever happened again.  I really miss the good intimate stuff from my last relationship, the neck rubs, the cuddling, the hand holding...sigh.  I look around at me, and my world, and I wonder who might be out there that will fit that puzzle piece, they are gonna have to be Pretty Special, that's for sure.  I have a wonderful tribe of friends and family around me, and I try to be always grateful and mindful of the blessings of that, and my studio and music.  I spend lots of time with my two four year old grandsons, another amazing blessing and spirit-lifter.

Chronic pain is a reality these days, so I focus a lot on ways to work with that -turns out I have bone spurs and degenerating disks in C45 and C56 on both sides, and arthritis.  I also have a wonderful Chinese doctor who has given me some great relief and helps me work with ways to alleviate some of it. 

So...life carries on...I think about Brandy a lot these days, for whatever reason, she and my sister have both been invading my spirit lately. When things get tough I try to let them help me carry on and it does seem comforting.

Love to all of you, I wish I could send more!!!
GramMish

I have bee trying to practice detachment. It isn't fucking working out very well for me. Mainly because I love too much. I want to freaking hold everyone and everything close. I know that it is time to let go. There is a time and a season for everything and maybe it is time for me to change. To morph into something else. To flow in a different direction. To just be. I am tired of clinging. Not to life but to people. It's dissatisfying really. The act of loving was a joy, unrequited, unreciprocated. Now not so much, because I want, I need.... Maybe this is a good thing.

It's better to feel pain than never feel at all

Yeah those are some lyrics. It's been a while since I have had a weird dream so I thought I would preserve it here. First some reality, I was too tired to drive last night. I had been on the road and had only two hours of sleep. One of my fosters David offered to take me to Spiral for dinner. I viewed it more like a ride and not as a date or company. Maybe that is weird, I don't know. He only ordered chips and guac, he didn't want to say that he didn't want to try vegan food but that was the basic vibe I was getting. So inevitably he brought up my best friend and asked me if something was true. I was too tired to lie so I said yes and no. Yes I love him, no that other part is outrageous. Not because it doesn't sound plausible but because it just isn't the case. I felt like I had said too much because it was beginning to feel like he only wanted the information and not really the communication. Anyway he proceeded to tell me how he had given up on me because I was so fucked up and that I should seek counseling. He said I should focus my attention on someone I actually have a chance with. Then he said had a chance with. I should have said fuck you. But instead, I just said I'm not available, which didn't even make sense. Then I just awkwardly walked out to the bar across the street. He didn't follow me,thank you fucking furr baby Jesus. I ordered a drink and waited for my Uber. The bar was a mix of hipsters and we'll dressed business men and could have been the no sleep delirium but I could swear that every other man was looking at me. Must be the tight shirt and the breasts. They brought me a shirt to wear for the adoption event and it was smaller than I like. I briefly entertained the idea of cancelling the cab but then I looked up on the walls and noticed that the decor was all taxidermy. Well fuck me. So on my way back to Cherry Lane Uber dude is playing the Lumineers. I dig that. Make my way to my room and fall I to bed exhausted. Dreams .... Time for weird dreams. I was in a hotel room with my first husband and he looks like he did. So perfect and the sunlight was shining through the window  on his pale blonde hair. I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting in front of me and I had my arms wrapped around him and I thought this is right. Then I remembered all the history and my only thought was where is your wife. Next scene, D my best friend and I are walking through an immense field and we are looking up at the stars and I am so happy and I don t care about anyone or anything I am just there breathing the cool night air. Next scene still with D we are walking in the am and all the cats are following us and we are laughing and I am laughing so hard because something he said was so funny that I actually have tears streaming down my face. Then we are somewhere else and there are a lot of people and we are watching a movie. D is walking through a crowd and I am trying to catch up with him and I can't. Then there is no crowd and I am walking through empty buildings that are being remodeled. I keep saying his name. I open cupboards, closets under beds. I am distressed. I open one closetand there is a wild cat like a small mountain Lion in it. I close the cupboard and yell D!!!!!! He comes out and says I know then he disappears. I am walking by myself. I have accepted the fact that he is probably just gone and I don't bother looking for him anymore. I don't feel sad or happy or anything at all. I am walking in an abandoned I industrial area D comes running up with some other guy and they are running and playing the guitar and singing and the sight is so comical that I laugh out loud, I am relieved to have found him and so freaking happy to be looking at him. Then a petite pretty girl walks up with long brown hair and he strokes her arm and pullsher closer. I just walk away.

Brandy Lare Dickerson I wish you were here to talk me out of this stupid shit, I really do. Truth be told, there is no one else like you and there never ever will be ever. And that is a hard pill to swallow but  I would swallow five pounds of those pills if I could hear your voice again. Because nothing compares to you. I am tired my friend. And I wish you were here to tell me what to do do. Because right now I need to know why I feel the way I do and I am just not human enough to know or feel anything. Hurry the fuck up and come back already because this is fucking bullshit. I need you here to explain all this crap to me.

No one have a freaking heart attack. I am writing two days in a row. I am still powerless. Literally and actually in so many ways. So I am sitting in my van again, trying to stay cool.