More word vomit.

So I guess I am on a roll. I am currently at work waiting for the doggy train to get here. Precious cargo it will hold. 25 dogs and one kitten. I would have like to keep her but that would make me a borderline hoarder so off she goes into the wild blue yonder.
  I started this blog yesterday. I anticipated some downtime at work and was trying to make good use of my time.
 It’s the next day and I am at home. I have 1000 things to write about that would probably be of more interest to someone that isn’t me but at the moment a man has my attention. The same man that has had my attention for at least a year. If I am honest with myself it is probably more like 2 years. He inserted himself into my life and here he remains.
  I am not clear what he wants with me as he has no interest in being my lover and most of the time he has no interest in me at all. He does however like to cook for me and usually I love to eat but I seem to have lost my appetite.

I have nothing of value to say or share. I just came here for the first time in I don't know how long and realized why  It's called avoidance.  Brandy Butter is here in these pages.  Seems the older I get the better I get at avoiding anything I don't want to feel.  I think that means I need to come here a lot, as it's not a good habit.

New little spirits

My family will be welcoming a female spirit early December, Leesie's THIRD child...what is she thinking?  ;)   GramMish can't wait to spoil a fourth grandunit.

Regarding love and companionship

It is a dilemma, I have decided that this lifetime I don't get to have a soulmate or 'love of my life'.  It's okay, I will be wonderful and happy without that and if someone comes along that can love me right, I will be open to it, but I refuse to give up me (actually it appears impossible for me to do so).  Meanwhile my stupid heart keeps falling for something that feels real and right, then something comes along and fucks it up royal, so it's on to the next fuckup...sigh.  I know I am responsible for what happens to me and I will continue to live my life 'in my bucket' ...I tell people I am constantly refilling and emptying my bucket list.  Ying, you are beautiful, talented, full of love and stronger than you know, I know cuz I am the same, beautiful inside and out with all my gray hair, wrinkles and slouchy shoulders.  I think of you Brandy, every day you sneak into my mind and it reminds me that even though I get tired and sometimes fearful, I am on the right path and I can handle it.  I wish I could vent to you right now about my situation with my son, can I go back 32 years and beat his ass please?  another sigh...   xo ladies, glad to be back

Lovely

  Mish has joined the party, that is just lovely. I was beginning to feel very much alone out here in cyberspace. This isn't my hostile work environments blog or my things I do when I am drunk blog. That will come later. I am pretty sure all of you know what I do when I am drunk, if you read enough of the blog you will figure it out. I hate to poke and prod people into blogging but sometimes you need to perform CPR on things that are dying. I just can't let this little antiquated memoir slip away into the abyss. Can you blame me? I have forgotten how to write but I will learn again. At the moment I am also in need of an outlet for my fucking pathetic whining that  I  seem to do a lot of lately. My confidence is gone. It just fucking took off, no where to be found. One day it just said fuck you Ying, I am outta here. Hasn't even sent me a postcard or borrowed a cell to call me. I think she might be dead. I mean I am still looking for her but I have almost given up.

Kill 'Em With Kindness

My mom used to say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.   So...when someone gets hostile with me, which does happen even in my happy-work-place, I have to figure out a stealth approach to derailing them.   Seems to me that taking the 'high' road will often knock them right outta their hostile tree.   That being said, it does seem that more people who come through the studio are hostile these days,  but putting them on a pottery wheel distracts them from their hostility for awhile.  I have been without physical companionship for awhile now.   It's not so bad,  but I do miss some things about it.    I like calling the shots, in my business,  in my house, in my music...I guess I have become a control freak.

Hostile Work Environments!!

Oh look you are getting two blogs tonight. Just give her alcohol and she will spew out all sorts of random bullshit. I guess I will just start assigning writing  topics and maybe some of you will choose to participate.  So the topic is hostile work environments or things you do when you are drunk. Go for it! I promise you mine will be worth it but I won't post until you do. So please someone, anyone, help me save this damn blog.

Stupid Fucking Ramblings

Awe same old same old here. I guess no one is reading this shit, and I am just blogging in your  memory my friend. I really miss the hell out of you Brandy Lare Dickerson. it is always nice to have friend that can see the future. It is even better when she cooks you breakfast, feeds you chocolate and tells you how amazing, and talented you are. Is it vain of me to say that I really miss that. I have a confession to make.
   She wanted to give the cross painting to Dona but I asked her for it. I have it at K's house. I asked her to sign it and she wrote on the back and sometimes when life is really shit her words are the only thing  that keeps me going. I am not being dramatic but I insert myself into some pretty dramatic situations. They are all of my choosing. I like Crazy town, I have set up shop here.
  So I don't think I am going to die anytime soon from my super rare and super shitty disease and honestly that was a little anti climactic for me. I mean I like sucking air and all but I was ok with it. I am currently coming down off a pretty high dose of steroids and I blame that for most of my emotional bullshit but probably 60 no 80% of it is just me allowing myself to feel something.
Did he mean that I don't know what love is? I didn't get into it and it probably doesn't even matter. I try too fucking hard. Well on a positive note, I have seen the future and it does not entirely suck so I am hanging in there.
  So currently I am suffering from a lack of physical company and I am trying to get over that bullshit, I am convincing myself that it is over rated. But really it is not, for me at least. Isn't it fucking hilarious how I can go from being uncomfortable with physical intimacy to fucking craving it. Now that is some screwed up shit right there. But I would rather skip it than to be with someone like K.

I am a mess. Oh did I mention that my hair is falling out, why yes it is lol.