Defeated

I am feeling very worn out and defeated after this weekend's events. 

Awhile back I confided in my mother and told her that I was planning on trying for full custody of Ri this year (2017). She seemed worrisome of this decision even though she has told me on numerous occasions that she hates Ri's father, Ric and has said that he is "messed up" or wishes "he was out of the picture". Her attitude should have brought up a red flag, but I thought she was just being her usual moody self.

Well last week Ric and I got into a heated argument over her dicussing her religious beliefs with Ri. And instead of her just confessing to her mistakes of continuing to bring up her religious bullshit to my daughter, she instead texts Ric notifying him of my plans to take him to court this year to try and gain full custody. And when he responded with, "You need to stop now and realize what you're doing!" she replied with, "I was just warning you about Alice... I thought you might want to know... maybe I was wrong. Sorry... I don't want Alice to get custody/take her away from us." 

So somehow in her sick little mind she has the right to teach my innocent 5 year old daughter her religious beliefs as well as have some sort of custody over her and now she doesn't want me to have custody at all! I'm so completely hurt and appalled by this. I have been through a lot with my mother since I was a child well into adulthood, but this definitely takes the cake. I can't keep rationalizing her horrible behavior anymore just because she is my mother. I can't just let it slide anymore. I can't just keep quiet about it and act like it never happened. 

All of this has truly brought to my attention that she has not "grown up" over the years and changed for the better at all. She is still the same crazy mom that was feeding me lies when I was a child. Still the same crazy mom manipulating me as a kid. Same controlling sadistic woman I knew growing up.

For this reason, I have chosen to no longer speak to her unless absolutely necessary. I will no longer put up with this abuse anymore.       

Mental Disorders

Monday afternoon I learned that a friend of mine committed suicide. I was and still am in complete shock. My friend was only 27 years old and seemed to truly have a zest for life. He was the life of the party. Always upbeat. Always welcoming. Which is why this truly came as a shock to me. I learned about a month ago that he suffered from bi-polar which I honestly would have never guessed from hanging out with him.  

Usually when someone you know dies and you feel sadness. And the sadness is completely selfish. You are sad because YOU will miss them. YOU still want them around. But for the first time ever, I was sad because I thought of how desperate he must have felt in order to take his own life. This is what makes me sad. That he felt so alone, that in his mind he thought the best choice was to just end it all. I am sad that he most likely had these helpless thoughts and that he didn't think their was any way out. 

This also makes me sad for all of the millions of people out their that suffer from any sort of mental disorder whether it be, anxiety, bi-polar, depression, etc. I feel that mental illness still has such a huge stigma attached to it and this makes me sad. I am sad that I have heard people refer to people with mental disorders as "weird" or "crazy". People with mental disorders did not ask to have a chemical imbalance/defect in the brain. And the last thing they need is judgement put on them. I am so saddened by the fact that society encourages people to be ashamed of any flaws. And to be especially ashamed of a mental disorder. These people need help and support. 

I just don't understand how we live in the 21st century and sex tapes are acceptable to release in the public but mental disorders are still so hush hush and secretive. 

Dream #2

So I had an absolutely horrible dream the other night and almost forgot to write it down here except for the fact that it keeps haunting me. So in my dream, I am giving birth and my husband is right there by my side in the delivery room. The baby is born and I realize it's a girl and I start sobbing saying, "I don't want her Kyle! I don't want her!" Kyle begins to try to calm me down, but I am in a panic as to how much I don't want our baby girl. Then it skips to us having her at home. And she is of course crying (cause that's what babies do) and instead of me getting up to go see what she needs, I start crying again and tell Kyle, "Kyle I don't want her! Please Kyle. I don't want her!" This time I am almost screaming and I am overcome with this weird feeling of just hatred and selfishness. 

I woke up with tears in my eyes and still had that feeling. It was horrible.

Dreams

I would absolutely love it if I never dreamed anymore. I've never truly had a good dream. All of them will somehow have some aspect of evil or uneasiness creep in to them that makes them not enjoyable. 

Like this morning I dreamt that my husband abandoned me (went off on some space mission) and left me with a replacement husband who I absolutely despised. The replacement husband was saying how great my taste in music was. But he would say it in a way that made me feel like he was talking to a 4 year old. He told me he wanted me to come sit on his lap, but I knew what he implied by that and I just wasn't having it. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and grossed out by the thought of having to even be near this guy. And how sad and distraught I was that mu husband left me all alone to go be an adventurer without me.

It doesn't sound that bad, but it's that overall feeling that I had in the dream that was unbearable. 

Thankfully my alarm woke me up so I didn't have to endure anymore. I think from now I will record any dreams that I have in here. If not to analyze, then at least to remember.  

Run Alice Run

So since I literally have no friends here in San Antonio I have had to come up with new hobbies or activities to pursue so that I don't completely lose my mind. I decided months ago that I will be participating in my first 5k run this year. If I enjoy it and don't die doing it, it might become "a thing" of mine. I have also decided that I will do my best to only join a 5k that contributes to charity (hopefully something I am passionate about).

Ever since I have brought this up to my husband, he now wants to participate in not only the 5k as well, but also a triathlon. Of course he is much more athletic than me naturally. He used to be a swimmer and went so far as to try out for the Olympics. All of this comes quite quickly to him so it's going to be a walk in the park so to speak. However, this does NOT come naturally to me. I grew up with asthma and didn't even learn how to swim until I was like 10 years old. I did however play soccer and was pretty good at that, but that is truly the extent of my athleticism. I guess what I am getting at is this has been quite the challenge for me training thus far. My asthma has really flared up since moving to Texas and I honestly just suck at cardio. But I am determined. At least to do it once. To say I did it. And to kinda prove my husband and show him that I can do it. Because at this point I think he thinks I will fail miserably.

The 5k run I will be participating in is in March so I better get my ass in gear. So far I have only been able to run for 2.5 miles in 25 minutes with a one minute break at the half mark. I gotta get better. I can do it!

Okay, you may have unleashed the beast here...I have been a writing fool ,songwriting that is, five in the past three days and plan to keep up the pace as much as I can.  One of the exercises I do to keep my 'chops up' is called object writing, it's a very cool exercise where you take one word or phrase a day, (I use a website that generates them) and set your timer for ten minutes and just write- using your senses but really stream of consciousness whatever comes into your head from that prompt.  I tend to stray off topic but I have so much fun with it and it's just ten minutes.  I have been doing it the past month now, after trying it a year ago or so then getting side tracked.  Here is today's word and my ten minute writing session, I kind of liked where it when on it's meandering-

2/3/17 antlers

Crown of some creatures of the forest.  Beginning as nubs sprouting on the heads of young bucks and does, requiring a personal regime of maintenance driven by necessity and well being.

The smell of spring, sweet blossom smell wafting by on a soft breeze that plays against your skin, a feather tickling then pulling away. Green, green everywhere, foliage joyous in its rebirth reaching upward to the newly warming sun from it’s rooted grounding.  You can hear the happy rustling of the leaves, the playful wind laughing and hiding and then blowing by again.  I feel peaceful when in the forest, I love to walk alone and contemplate, examine the landscape and creatures within, the rocks and earthen forms, the humus and rotting wood creating Earth’s artwork, beautiful in and of itself for visual interest, having lived a productive life and being time-worn and aging naturally, to be returned to dust and the earth as it should be.  Ashes to ashes.  The majestic creatures in the forest that bear antlers can attest to this truth and beauty, never needing to read facebook, check their email or make sure their phone messages have been answered.  They bear their crown and its responsibilities with a noble nonchalance and reserve, bold yet humble and crafty, with their own social network and engagement tactics.

You rant away and we will rant back at ya I'm sure...I saw a great video, just a quickie, the other day where Oprah was saying a really wise thing about not regretting choices but knowing they are all along your path and just keep going...and know it's worthwhile to get where you need to go. I can't say it as well as she did but it was very inspiring and helpful for that shit.  I know you can do this, positive thinking...action...potential= results=  more positive thinking !!

I missed this!

Reading through everyone's posts this morning has truly made me feel sad that I have missed all of these stories and rants over the years. However, it has also made me realize how much I enjoy reading and writing. And I truly I missed you ladies! Forgive me if I get carried away with stories or rants within the next few weeks as I have years of catching up to do! It's great to be back!

Rough Week

It's Thursday and yet I know when the weekend comes I will still get no relief. I am not bothered by work or any inane coworkers or office politics. My issue cannot be fixed by Friday afternoon and a simple two days of relaxation.

My problem is myself and the choices I have made in the past. Not only do I regret bringing a child into this world with a irresponsible 32 year old waiter and keyboard player of a rock band. But I regret leaving my child with this man while I moved to Texas with my husband. I wanted to take her with me. But the court system wouldn't allow it. So I have been stuck having to deal with this narcissistic man who doesn't care about my daughters feelings. One moment he can be chipper as all hell and the next he is Satan breathing fiery insults down your back. This week he was definitely Satan full fledged.

I am exhausted. I don't want to hear him insult me again for the one thousandth time. I don't want to hear his smart reply of, "Well that's not in writing on the court agreement". I am sick of him bending the rules only to benefit himself and to justify where he is coming from. I am sick of him playing the victim. I am sick of him feeding lies to her to make me look like the bad guy.

This year HAS to be the year. This HAS to be the year where I gain full custody of her. It just HAS to happen. I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.   

I am phenominally bad at all types of relationships. I either don't know how to or don't care to do what is required to sustain even the most casual of friendships. Am I too much or not enough? I just don't know. I am lonely as hell. I am so disconnected.

I am bad at a few things, housekeeping maybe #1

I don't know if I am bad at relationships but I feel lonely a lot, even though I am surrounded by people most of the time.  I really was attached and dependent on my connection to my ex, and it appears he was not....it's taking me a long time to get over this one and move on.   Meanwhile I am diving into my songwriting and cleaning my space up, going through crap I should have gone through ten or fifteen years ago (which is actually interesting and has unearthed some fun things).  I guess I tend to shy away from people since I am around them all the time at the studio and it's RIGHT HERE so I have to separate myself spiritually and not let it wear me out.  Dealing with the health crap has taught me that.    I am interested to hear Brandy and April's test for 'does he really care about me'...could you elaborate?

I do think it will be difficult to find someone for me
A. I am a slob and my house is bizarre place half dorm/half storage
B.  I am not going to put up with any controlling bullshit or pushy behavior.
C.. I have herpes (ugh)
D. I work too much and have little free time that is not taken up by grandbabies, music or Mishytime

My best friend Lydia

Damn I am a doofus, I just sent a reply as feedback to google...duh  now I can't remember what I typed...WHERE IS MY COFFEE?

I have been so out of the loop I have not read this thing in way too long.

I think in my experience, at least for me, I can never be in a relationship without putting up with some bs or compromising some part of my-self.  Maybe it's a flaw in me I don't know.  I just had a long painful breakup that lasted most of 2016 from a boyfriend I have had for 7 years.   Part of me likes having the freedom of being just me and doing whatever I want with nobody looking at me and deciding if it's the right thing or not (judging).  I miss the companionship, the 24/7 friend and the sounding board.   Sigh...   I think I would choose the relationship even with all the crap that goes along with it, but unfortunately not under the conditions that have arisen...it will have to be another relationship and I am a free woman at the moment if you know any eligible men (maybe one who is mute? has taken a vow of silence? )

Ying is right, we do need to revive the blog, I am in and when I typed blogger.com poof, here it is in all it's glory.  I never saw the post you put here last in September...I am pretty sure through facebook that things turned around but I am really out of  the loop and I would love to jump back in.  I love you guys and I am here...til I join Brandy in the beyond...  I have been doing 'objectwriting' maybe I will do it here so you all can see it, it's fun.