It didn't even make me laugh and we all know how easily I laugh. Very polite man is publishing a book and I gave him permission to include the following. Wish I would have made my responses more entertaining.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5578768455
Are you a successful seller or business person that has met their quota of emails from psycho freaks this year? You need this! I will personally answer all of your hate mail for a one year period. I will personally respond on your behalf to each of the negatively toned or just ridiculous emails that you forward to me. I can respond to those emails in a variety of ways tailored to your specific needs. 1)Maturely (I am a mother and I am very experienced at communicating with small children and animals!) If you desire I can also answer those emails in a nonsensical semi made up language. Example lets say someone emails you saying, "You sold me snake oil!" My reply might be. MUCHO LOTTO POO POO! CRAPPY PAPPY BOO! YUM MI BUN BUNS! I would also enjoy answering such emails entirely in wing dings and symbols, so that is also an option for you. I am completely serious and I am also willing to pray for those truly sick individuals that continually harass you and this would be at no charge what so ever. I am not a counselor or a psychiatrist but I feel I am qualified to deal with mentally unstable individuals as many of my relatives fall into this category. AS A BONUS!!(and this is for all those people that have that abrasive quality that all your friends dearly love but that does seem to rub everyone else the wrong way)I will answer up to 50 of your regular emails in a courteous and polite manner. As you may have a problem doing this yourself. This is a real tangible service and it is well worth the price. I can also email people to inform them of your return policy when they try to return a clearly used item 3 months later! Yes you could just block their emails but isn't communication the key to sucess? So if you are tired of answering the emails of people that have nothing better to do than tell you how to run your business or your life, than look no further. BID! BID! BID! To elaborate, I will even answer those emails that claim that you are a malevolent being or that you ripped off their genuinely unique idea. I will answer emails from the chap that said that you misrepresented an item even though your description was 2 pages long and you included four pictures. I would be thrilled to answer any and all questions that you may have no matter how trivial mundane or hateful!. I am 100% serious and I would appreciate bids only from those that intend to utilize my services. Thanks for viewing my auction. Please add this to your watch list.
In the true spirit of all bizarre auctions and in hopes to entice more watchers. Please submit your requests for what you would like me to do or include as a bonus when this auction reaches 100 watchers. Bid! What are you waiting for?
I have a successful company that sells a very unique product. Sometimes we do get hate mail. Can you give me a short example of how you might politely respond to someone writing, "You stink. I hate your product!"
--jgs
Dear Customer,we value your opinion and we want your experience with our product to be a good one! We have many satisfied and repeat customers. If you have any specific ideas or suggestions for us, they are welcome as we constantly strive to improve the products that we offer. Thank you and have a nice day!
For the most part, I really liked your response. One part, however, concerned me. Nowhere in your response did I find an apology. Even though we aren't really sorry when someone doesn't like our product, it is important that we express some form of contrition. Can you please rewrite a response using some form of apology? So that I can adequately judge your creativity, kindly start this exercise from scratch.
--jgs
Dear Customer, We recieved your correspondence, thank you for taking the time to communicate with us. We appreciate your business and are disappointed to hear that our product did not meet your expectations. We value your opinion and would like for your experience with this product to be a great one! We have many satisfied and repeat customers. If you have any specific ideas or suggestions for us they are welcome. As your satisfaction is our number one priority, we constantly strive to improve the products that we offer. We look forward to hearing from you. JGS, I hope that this is what you were looking for! ~Lydia
I'm still not finding any mention of an apology. What you've added is a solicitation for customer suggestions. This will cause even further paperwork for us as we'll have to staff a department to field volumes of responses to unwanted suggestions. Still, you do have excellent style and grammar, although I did spy a mishap with "i" before "e" except after "c." I'm most interested in your services, yet I'm concerned about your ability to take responsibility for blame. Please try again with this exercise.
--jgs
I happen to believe that you may be trying to mess with my pretty little head. Being the good sport that I am however, I will try once more. Yes, I failed to use spell check (my bad). I did add,"we were disappointed to hear that our product did not meet your expectations".It was my intention to sound apologetic but apparently that message was not conveyed. Let me ask you this. Do you honestly believe that someone writing to you with the message that you stink, and they hate your product will really take the time to give you any constructive suggestions? They may even send you more hate mail. That is where I would come in and so there truly would be no need to hire an entire department to field this unwanted input. I will remind you that you would only be forwarding me your hate mail so most likely I would not come in contact with many of your customers that would be inclined to make a suggestion or offer constructive criticism. The third time is a charm. Dear Customer, We received your correspondence, thank you for taking the time to communicate with us. We appreciate your business and are truly sorry to hear that our product did not meet your expectations.We value your opinion and would like for your experience with this product to be a great one! Your satisfaction is our number one priority. We are constantly striving to improve the products that we offer. JGS, I hope that this is what you were looking for! ~Lydia
A much better effort on your part. The use of the word "truly" in the apology was inspired. Yes, I do believe that customers might take the time to offer constructive suggestions after sending hate mail. Sometimes the most effective dialogues begin after an initial confrontation. There's a fine line between love and hate. While we do encourage suggestions from our customers, we certainly don't want to be swamped with them and then be forced to respond to mountains of incoming correspondence. My concern is that you appear to have difficulty with the concept of apologizing. A rather large gap of meaning exists between the two words "disappoint" and "apologize." If I hit your dog with my car and expressed disappointment that by no means implies that I'm sorry for what happened and take full responsibility for my actions. Accountability seems to be an issue with you. Please note that we are most interested in providing a high compensation package for your talents, yet I would like to know if you possess anger management issues.
--jgs
In all honesty, I used the word disappoint because I was trying to be creative. Sorry did seem the obvious choice but I couldn't find a jazzier way to convey it. I now clearly realize that a jazzy word was not required when a simple heartfelt sorry would suffice. I apologize for my poor sense of humor, you may have mistaken it for anger. I would like to assure you that I am very capable of expressing remorse and sincere apologies. My family would bare witness to that fact. If you detected any hostility in my tone it may have been because I doubted the fact that you were genuinely interested in my services. For that I am very sorry. ~Lydia
Yet again, I'm finding that you skirt direct questions and instructions. My last email clearly asked if you possess anger management issues. Rather than tackling this question head on, you created apologies and excuses. In our line of work, it's most important that employees are not vague with consumers or superiors. Our workers must be capable of answering in a clear and definitive fashion. Unless I'm mistaken, it appears that this necessary attribute may lie beyond your abilities. Am I wrong?
--jgs
You are incorrect, I do not have any anger management issues. I will in the future answer your questions directly. I am perfectly capable of doing so and will be more than happy to comply. ~Lydia
I'm detecting quite a bit of sarcasm in your emails. While I have no doubt in your writing skills (a top priority for this job!), I am most apprehensive of hiring an individual who stews in her own distemper. First off, you should never tell The Boss that he's "incorrect." The Boss is always right! If you have a differing point of view, you either keep it to yourself or you get The Boss to see your line of thinking while making him think it was his idea all along. That's the way our savvy employees tackle their work. Frankly, I'm not sure you're up to snuff. What say you?
--jgs
