November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain,
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

Sad Cheap Mr. K or I Hate Your Ugly Boots!

Do you want to know what the saddest part of K being a tight ass is? The man won't even buy himself a new pair of cowboy boots. He wears boots nearly everyday, the pair that he is sporting currently are perfectly servicable albeit a little worn. Mostly they are just really ugly.
We were in Cavenders the other day shopping for a fancy cowboy belt for our Mutton Bustin Champ to display his giant belt buckle on and to pick out a free pair of boots as well, compliments of the Justin Boot Company. I wanted Daddy to get new boots as well so I looked down at his ugly boots and said, I really hate those boots. He surprised me by saying, "I do too". I asked him to go look for a new pair. All he could do was look. You know he wants a new pair, he needs a new pair, we have the money for him to have at least a few nice pairs. Does he leave the store with a pair? NO! Why because the man is a tight ass. He is especially tight when it comes to himself.

It's time for whine....

K asked me to join him in the office while he finished up a few tasks. He is returning to his job this morning. Just to make converstaion, I said "So are you ready to party when you get home?" He seemed confused so I reminded him that his birthday is a few days away and that Valentine's day will come shortly after his return. He then asks if I think that perhaps we have done enough partying. The sting of money spent on Christmas is fresh for him. Although I am happy to report that only cash was spent and everything was well within budget. He doesn't really look up from the comp but he can sense my annoyance so he says well if it is a cheap party. This is the part where most normal humans might discuss a low budget outing such as a picnic or perhaps just some time away from the kids. Of course the thought of a gift for anyone just reminds my love of any unneccasary money that I may have spent recently. I guess all that he could think of was that I bought L a pair of pants at Walmart yesterday. He actually asked me if she really needed them. I said yes and this should have sufficed but then he asked me why. I really wanted to slap him up side the head at this point. Her bio dad does give us 800 dollars a month for L and her brother. Who gives a fuck rather I buy her a 16 dollar pair of Walmart pants rather she needs them or not. Which by the way she did need. Initially I responded by saying, she has very few pairs that she wears to school and they need replacing. Since K has done every bit of the laundry while he has been home he uses his new found clothing degree to declare that she has plenty of clothes. I then politely said that perhaps she needs to go through them and get rid of anything that is too tight etc. I think he actually questioned me further so I being at the end of my rope sternly but fcatually informed him that it is rude to question me about one pair of jeans for a 13 year old girl, don't do it again. I told him that I do very well with his money and with her Dad's money also for that matter. Which was my way of saying stop being such a frugal bastard her Dad pays for her shit too for Christ sake! I am a very petty person, I am so petty that I think that the first thing that I am going to do when I hear his car pull out of the driveway is go spend some money.

Interesting Thought

A thought occured to me last night when I was getting for bed. I thought what if the women who choose men who are never right for them are suppose to never find someone to be with? What if for some reason these women are not meant to propagate the species because of some biological disorder that is unknown and therefore they, (without their knowledge) never attract the right man to procreate with? Interesting thought.

Donors and Vampires

I have been both donor and vampire though not to the same extent as B. Blood donors may have saved my sons life. I was 5 months pregnant with Lil K when I went into labor. I was so anemic that he decided that he should jump ship, take his chances in the outside world. Dr. Chen my Hematologist decided to transfuse me and after the first unit of blood went in the contractions stopped. I have both taken and given the elixir of life. Most recently a week ago. I did feel a bit like a vampire.
I haven't been a very good blood donor, I have tended to be a little anemic from time to time so on average I have donated no more than once a year. Some day when I am healthy enough I would like to donate on a very regular basis.
I hope that B's donor says yes. I know that B doesn't go much for the prayer thing but please God sway her donors heart and help them to follow through with what I know they already want to do.
The ability to help another human being truly is a gift. I know this for a fact.

donors, Blood and poison

I swore I would blog this whole affair even started a different blog on another site called living on borrowed blood my short life as a vampire. I wrote the 1st two days and then stopped so I am going to try and do more here I will re-post those other two at some point. Today is day one of round 2 I was really hoping there would not be a round except for the transplant. Was kinda in a do or die mode since we have donor who is a 10 for 10 match. Or at least blood-wise we do. He/she who knows turned in blood quickly and we had the answer by the 5th of January. They were it, but once the donor bank started contacting them they didn't get back to them. Could have been vacation, illness or he could have lived in the middle of nowhere since donors come from everywhere. But he never called back until today.

Tomorrow they are going for an informational meeting and we will hopefully know more about their intentions like whether they intend to do it or not and I can imagine the conversations at the dinner table. Daddy/mommy will it hurt, do you have to go away, will you have to miss work and is it dangerous, Just how will it affect my life? And these are all valid questions and to some extent I would agree there are even valid reasons to say no. But I sure hope they say yes and agree to a free physical where hopefully nothing will be wrong and then he will take the pills for a week to make the stem cells grow in his blood and then will sit for a few hours while the cells are harvested and the rest of their blood is returned to them. That's what I am hoping for. But until then I am sitting at my couch with a take bag of radio active isotopes running through my blood once again killing off all my blood cells. While I sit hoping once again that this is the last time they have to poison me before they try and kill me to cure me. SO regardless of the questions please say yes. The Donor registry is celebrating a few milestones this month. 40000 transplants have been done. and there are officially 8 million donors, which is great and yet pathetic at the same time how many of Americas 250 million not to mention the rest of the world will die cause you have to know the 8Mil aint going to cover much. And the sad part is that it will be mostly minorities that die in particularly in America it will be the American Indians. Its not because of insurance or because the evil rich and poor white folk have some special secret its because they are on the donor registry and the minorities are terribly under represented. SO go to bethematch.org and join its painless and you never have to leave the couch except to get the mail. Someday I even hope to find out who they are and thank them personally.

Until then I will carry my cute little bag filled with my cute little pump and my not so cute bio-hazard chemo bag Hooked by plastic tubes to my definitely not so cute CVC port plugged into my body over my right boob. Brings a whole knew meaning to the concept of a tube top.

Kicking The Habit

Smoking is such a bad habit. First off, nicotine increases blood pressure, heart rate, and blood flow from the heart and also causes arteries to narrow. Carbon monoxide reduces the amount of oxygen that blood can carry. Long terms effects of smoking include; lung disease, coronary heart disease, stroke, and cancer of the lungs, esophogus, and mouth.



Today will be the first day my friend starts his new routine of taking the pill Chantix.



I cant tell you how excited I am for him! I cant tell you how proud of him I am! I know how hard it is to quit something that you are addicted to. So I know how much strength, effort, and courage, he is putting into this. This not only means a lot to him, but it also means a lot to those who care for him, including me.

Stinky Bottlenose Dolphin Face

I felt the urge to put my feelings in writing,
Because being with you is so exciting,
It feels like I'm riding lighting.

I think of you each day and night,
And when I see you, all I want is to do is hold you tight,
Spend sometime in my heart,
And when I'm with you sometimes I fart.

I know this sounds gay,
But I'm just trying to brighten your day.

You're so adorable!
Do you really think I'm so horrible?

I can't resist your eyes, it's true!
Stinky Bottlenose Dolphin Face,
I am absolutely crazy for you!

Your soul is gentle your heart is lust,
Give me a chance,
It's for sure worth the fuss!

I hope I did not freak you out,
Friendship is what this is about.

Please don't go far
Who knows you might need me to fix your car.

And in the end,
You will always be my Stinky Bottlenose Dolphin Face,
And I, will always cherish you as my friend!

Bla

I have spent more time worrying/bitching/dreading house cleaning then actually cleaning. Might have been I was overwhelmed and did not actually know where to begin. Could have been that I was too tired or just lazy. I am notoriously lazy. There have been times when I have joyfully helped a friend clean their home rather than tackle my own. Maybe I am waiting for the good housekeeping fairy to show up and and make everything sparkly clean. Who am I kidding there are no such thing as cleaning fairies. Fairies have way better things to do then clean. I think dwarves might clean, or was that Snow White. I can't remember. I have never judged anyone by the cleanliness of their home. I guess if it was need to call the the health department unsanitary I might bring up the issue.

High Expectations

I am starting to discover that my expectations of people are way too high. As I grow older, I grow more and more picky. Even the smallest of things are unacceptable.
Such as, not tipping a server enough when the service is satifactory, not cleaning and then constantly whining about the fact that you need to clean or maybe just not cleaning in general, not keeping track of time, going the long way home just to "enjoy the scenic route", being lazy frequently, saying your going to do something and you never do it or you need constant reminding to do it, being late, etc.
If they have had a habit of doing any of these things then I believe they will continue. Im trying to think if these are things that are important enough to bring up to the people who do them or if I should just shut my mouth until I cant take it anymore. I know I will eventually get fed up. Its just a matter of time now. Maybe I just need to be more honest and say something like, "Look we went out to dinner. The dinner was $60 and the service was good, but instead of tipping her $12 (20%) you decided to tip her a measly $4 (around 6%). Whats up with that?" Or, "You know you keep on whining about your house being dirty, but then you do nothing about it so why dont you get up and actually do something about it? I understand your tired and we all are, but you need to take care of your responsibilities." Or, "Oh your going to do that tomorrow, like you have been saying for the past how many months?"
Any advice?

My co worker and her "situation"

I have a co worker and ever since October she has been taking two weeks out of every month to go on vacation. When I say vacation, I actually mean that she is visiting her husband in Hawaii. See, they went to Hawaii on vacation in the beginning of October. And when they came back home he declared that he was going to move there with or without her. She is not ready for retirement yet so she decided to stay back in Arizona. So they sold most of their belongings including their house. And he moved to Hawaii and she stayed behind to live with her daughter in a two bedroom apartment. And to make it even more shocking I find out that he has done this before to her by moving from California to Alaska.
Now you would think after the second time of having this done to her she would be fed up and decide that maybe life would be better without him? Or perhaps she figures she could never find someone better for her? Why waste all that money on airfare, time off, etc just to go visit your husband who ran 2000 miles away? She cant do this forever, right?
I wonder if her love for him is really that strong or if she feels like she would be lost without having him. Makes you wonder........

Parental Unit Malfunction

As the child of the typical dysfunctional American Family I too have experienced the every six months calls with various relatives including my father. Most of the time I talked to my stepmother without whom I would not have survived teenagehood. But my father not so much. There were turbulent times in that relationship starting most likely with him not coming to rescue me from my mother when my parents divorced and I did not see him for almost a year. At 5 the cost of airplane tickets to another state never crossed my mind. He went on to replace us with another family. How dare he said my little mind. Never mind me getting preggers at 12 and again at 15. Communication dwindled though time but the relationship remained with phone calls every 6 months. This past month while in Houston going through my recent experience as a cast member in the twilight zone my father came for a week to be my caretaker. The sad part is he actually called and asked my permission to come or had my step mother do it. I was kinda surprised he felt the need to ask. It was a wonderful week we had not been alone together for an extended period of time for decades. I heard stories of his childhood things that should have been mine growing up but missed cause we were not together. We are still very different people, politics in particular but at the end he is still daddy and an excellent nurse he can shoot heparin like a pro. I would not have traded it for the world.

One of the freeing things about growing old and having kids is the realization that our parents are just people. Flawed dysfunctional people just like us with their own fears and weaknesses that as children we never noticed or were never told about. I didn't find out I had a sister until I was 25. So call your dad view him as a stranger figure out what makes him tick, think of it as a game. Chances are if you put the past truly behind you and adopt my motto of "I don't care" by accepting people for all their flaws you will find that there is a relationship in there you might cherish.

Or he could be a complete putz and you should stay away only you know that. But think truly about who you are. Is there no part of you that resembles him is there nothing in your life that you excelled at to spite him? What I learned most from my parents was how not to parent. But that was an excellent thing to learn. By being alone all the time I learned independence and how to rely on myself for the things I wanted in my life. By being given money instead of love I learned to give my children love and no money. For all the mistakes they made raising me and all the things I thought were mean, terrible and hurtful I learned not to make those mistakes and not to hurt the people I love. I love my life and who I am now, so I have to in fact thank them for every blessed mistake they made.

Its your life Cleo you get to decide who is in it but don't throw away family without realizing you may still have things to learn from them even if its just what not to do. He may even need your help to become the person he should be. Its a lot easier to talk every 6 months than it is to rebuild a bridge you have burned to the ground.

Yes, I have wondered....

Janelle, (daughter) has always told me she wants my books. Not that she reads, but she says they are "me." Unfortunately for her, between moves and the fact that the older I get the less I want to hang on to, there are very few of my books left and I have come to enjoy passing them on to others to enjoy.
Brandy says my pottery - unfortunately for her, there is even less of that left than the books, for the same reasons.
What I really wonder about is my grandkids. As Brandy said, I have small items from
my parents, grandparents, and even great grandparents. I wonder if they would laugh knowing that these tokens hold some importance to me, when they may have meant nothing to them. I think I will ask my grandkids what one item says, "Nana" to them.

Father Issues

I haven't talked to my dad in about six months. And frankly I haven't felt the urge to contact him either. We were never close to begin with and I have always accepted that. Well after 6 months of not speaking, he emails me out of the blue and asks for my address. Did I write him back? Nope. Because I would rather not talk to him at all then have these awkward conversations on the phone every six months. I thought he would get the picture, but surprisingly he called me a day later after the email was sent. He ended the phone call with, "Call me back when you have time." I was livid to say the least. Make time for him? Why would I make time for him when he never made time for me? What exactly did he want to talk to me about? Why would he think that calling every six months would somehow keep our relationship intact? All it did was confuse and frustrate me even more! Needless to say, I never did call him back and hopefully he got the message this time around.

do you ever wonder

DO you ever wonder what your family going home after your death, wandering through your house and your things what they will fasten onto that reminds them of you. Will it be something you truly loved and cared for or something that they have attached to their memory of you that is truly of little importance to you.

What will you be remembered by what trinkets if any will be around in the possession of your family in a 100 years. DO you have things of your ancestors even little things. I have some pictures but i don't believe anything dates back farther than my great grandparents a Dresden Doll and a long plaid flannel night shirt that belonged to my great grandfather. The doll holds significance she had a whole collection sat in a built in glass cabinet in her kitchen the same kitchen in which we received treat upon every arrival and where we listened to grandpa Bill talk to his mina bird. The pajamas hold no significance other than that they are comfy and among the last things worn by him and strangely enough the only thing really offered and I think it my grandmother that gave it to me. I still have some of her pajamas too, along with dolls she was a true lover of dolls. There is a silver bell collection of the 12 days of Christmas, jewelry her red bedside lamps and her Bread machine, there are other knick knacks. My husband has silverware. Most notable the spoon he ate rootbeer floats out of as a kid, there are other things who genesis is not know to me I know there are pictures out there in the hands of family members but not in mine.

Mine is a transient family many husband and wives new beginnings on a regular basis children living far away from their parents with ties stretched and romanticized. all of us stuck in the roles of our previous fleeting contacts. decades from who we are now. How we remember and fall into previous rolls so easily is beyond me but then i have trouble remembering breakfast as the days blur. Its no wonder our history does not linger further back into time but I would like for that to change. In a digital world we can keep a small part of ourselves alive. This blog will continue long after I do its words etched upon back up cds the story of our lives open for our descendants to see to read to understand a tiny piece of who we are and hopefully to add stories all their own.

So what would it be, what would people living with only your memory choose to take away as they let you go.

The miracle drug or not?

I was diagnosed with insomnia after I got the divorce. Its strange since you would think that getting the divorce would actually make me sleep better at night. I finally decided to do something about it a year later. After the failure with Lunesta, my doctor prescribed Ambien. I was immediately hooked. No more restless nights of tossing and turning! No more taking Benadryl to try and sleep for just a measly couple of hours. I was finally functioning properly in my day to day life. Could this be a miracle drug? Perhaps...... Or maybe it was something I used to escape my day to day struggles. I found myself taking the pill whenever I was upset. I would take it if I got in an argument with my mom. I would pop one if I couldn't stop thinking about the mistakes I had made in my life. I would even swallow one before I went to work to cope with co workers who seemed like they did not understand me. This went on for awhile. About three years actually. I can now say that I am not taking Ambien anymore. Not even for my insomnia that I still deal with. I am finally learning how to interract with people. I am learning how to speak up for myself instead of getting angry and hiding. I am finally growing up.