Question Of The Day

Why is it that if something only matters, or is only important, to you - it doesn't matter at all to a man?

Lindy

I love my little girl, I love everything about her from her honey colored hair and the freckles on her nose to her big stinky feet and her long monkey toes. I swear she could swing from trees with those things (they are just like mine.) Even though she is still very much my silly little girl, I am watching Lindy grow into a young lady. Brandy said that she looks just like me. I hope that she does not grow up to act just like me. I hope that she will be a strong independent woman that won't need a man for anything. I hope that she will know that she can be anything and accomplish everything that she wants, whatever that may be. I want her to be a happy person, that considers others but that doesn't really let them influence her personal decisions or negatively effect the way that she feels about herself.

President's day? I thought it was my birthday that made them stop the mail and close the banks...I mean...neither Lincoln nor Washington were born on that day anyway...right?

We drove up north on my birthday, in my new (used) truck, and gambled at one of the casinos on the reservation here. My sweetie won enough on the slots that we were able to stay and play for awhile...even though I could almost lose it as fast as he won it...I was up $40 on ONE machine for a minute.... Truck drove/rode well, but Tuesday when I took it in to have it registered, I had to go through emissions, and they failed it due to a small repair that I was aware of (check engine light was on, and the guy I bought it from showed me the diagnosis when he took it in)...so, I took it in to be fixed, not without moderate separation anxiety...it had to stay at the shop...but they were quick and as of yesterday baby is home again, and running better with a clean bill of health for the powers-that-be. After a couple of days (to let it run through it's little computer programs), I can take it in and have it registered/titled in my name! I am LOVING it! Weird, this almost feels like more of a cathartic experience than the refinance...even though I spent all my 'cushion'....at least most of my bills are caught up ;-)

By the way...I got a 17" flatscreen monitor for my b-day (sweetie went in on it with a friend)....and my sons both called me (SHOCK)....girls gave me a couple cds...it was a good bday...and now I am 48...

Tata's Chinese Noodle Soup

This is a recipe I got from my dad. His still tastes better no matter what I do and I have altered the ingredients slightly but it still pretty damn good.

Serves4-6 depending on how hungry you are

1 Bunch Green onions - Chopped with greens

1 Porkchop - I prefer Butterfly porkchops

8 Cups Water & Bullion Cubes
or 8 Cups Chicken or Beef Broth - Depending on the mood you are in but the original was chicken

1 Large Portabello mushroom sliced into small pieces - Approx 1 cup if you are using other types of mushrooms

Chinese noodles - (Father sent me from Phx - Nanka Seimen Chow main Moodles - But cellaphane noodles or even Spaghetti can be used even though its just not the same so check out the chinese section of the store first.)

4-8 Hardboiled Eggs

Optional - La Choy Soy Sauce - Brand Specific

Instrux
Boil water or broth whichever you are using with porkchop, Mushrooms and 1/2 the green onions for about 30-45 minutes.

Remove porkchop and slice into small pieces - Return to soup

Salt and pepper to taste

Put a small handfull of noodles into soup be careful not to get to many or the soup will disappear and you will just have juicy noodles

Cook until noodles are soft

Serve with a garnish of hardboiled eggs and green onions

Sprinkle with La Choy Soy sauce if desired

Salt and pepper to taste

*******Optional ingredients**************
Water chestnuts, Broccolli, Bamboo Shoots, Red or Yellow Peppers
Shrimp, chicken or beef

Varieties are endless but I usually stick with the basics because it is the simplicity of the soup that makes it so good

Cheneys Got A Gun - Make sure the sound is turned up for this one

Cheneys Got A Gun

Do I really want people to think my husband is an idiot?

Today I do!

K- Can you give me a copy of the pest inspection for Scotland (Scotland is the name of the street some houses we are buying are on)

L- Sure, I just need to go into your office and print them out (he has my printer in his office because his is broke)

K- Can’t you just email them to me? (doesn’t want me to touch his computer)

L- Okay (then I tried to email them to him)

L- I’m having trouble emailing this file, it’s not letting me do it

K- That’s just great!

L- Well I can just print it out

K- Now, I’m going to have to move the printer to do it, that’s just great

L-Why?

K- So you can print it out

L- Why can’t I just do it here?

K- Because you can’t email them to me

L- I can just print them from my email

K-You don’t have a printer

L- That’s a printer right? (pointing to the printer)

K-but you can’t email them to me

L- I can print them from my email

K-then I’ll have to move the printer

L- No, I will use your computer to access my email and print them in your office

K-but you can’t email them

L-I don’t need to, I’ll print them from my email (Wearing confused look on her face)

K- Get out of my office! You’ve had an attitude all morning! I’m sick of you thinking that you are smarter than everybody else)

Oh Soup!

I am anxiously awaiting the mail. I wonder why that is? It's not as if I'll be receiving the two million dollar prize from the Publishers clearing house sweepstakes. I'm almost positive that I won't be getting a contract in the mail from Random House (along with a 50 thousand dollar advance) for my collection of short stories about the adventures of my dog and his run ins with the chupacabra. So why is it exactly that the mail is the highlight of my day. So I can look at ads to see what's on sale at places I won't be shopping at? Well the jokes on me because apparently there was no mail today. Observance of President's day or some hooey like that. My darling man is spending the night offshore, so I cannot torture him tonight. I wouldn't be in any hurry to come home if I were him either. I was actually going to be extra special nice to him tonight and make him something edible for dinner.
Well a day has passed since I initially started this excitement filled purposeless rambling. The kitchen is filled with the fragrant aroma of Brandy's chinese soup recipe. Yum! Who knew something so good could be so easy to make. The highlight of my day was my coworker sharing his cussing teddy bear with me. Well it was either that or the customer that offered to take me for a ride in his corvette. Oh yes, I'm going to go for a ride with a perfect stranger just because he has a red shiny car. Sometimes I feel offended when I should feel flattered, I don't know why that is.

V-day

I ran upstairs to check Lindy's closet for my favorite skimpy shirt (must dress slutty in honor of valentine's day). The fact that I am checking my 9 year old daughter's closet for my shirt could possibly be a sign that my clothes are too damn small. Could also mean that my little girl is growing up way to fast but the most likely explanation is that the wonderful man that does the laundry is pretty much clueless as to what belongs to whom. At least he gets the underwear right (most of the time any way). In any case Kelly yelled that I should not go upstairs because I didn't need to see what he was doing. Wrapping the keys to my car perhaps? Maybe having the boys draw me a picture. Making me a big banner that says. I'm sorry that I'm a big fat jerk happy Valentine's day you beautiful woman. I'll let you all know what it is later. I know the suspense is killing you.

For The Lover In Us All On This Special Day

Since this is another of my lazy blogs (copy and paste from an email I received) please feel free to share any of the following sentiments with your special someone today.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!

Listen to YO Mama

Among the many pieces of advice that my mother has given me (some worthless), perhaps her best tid bit of wisdom was this. Don't pluck it, pull it bleach it, shave it, or wax it because it will only get worse. The, IT she was refferring to was the hair on my upper lip. Up until this point in my life I have followed her sage wisdom. Yesterday I went to get the ends of my hair trimmed and my eyebrows waxed because even though Bill Mahr might not care if I look like I'm walking around with two black caterpillars riding my face, I do. Bonnie, the nice lady that is kind enough to act as if she enjoys removing my body hair (she might actually) suggested that I wax my upper lip. I don't know why I didn't just say no like my mama taught me. Now I have red acne looking bumps, above my lip. Oh yeah that's way better than a little peach fuzz. A cold sore looking rash is so much sexier than a little hair NOT!

Re-training dumb animals/PMS

PMS, Kelly could say or do just about anything tonight and I think it might make me want to rip his arm off and beat him with it. Ordinarily I am not a violent person but I have a severe case of PMS and am feeling rather irrational and argumentative. We had a nice evening in Louisiana and we were on our way home when I had a sudden hormonal shift and instantly almost everything Kelly did seemed to piss me off. The bumpy Louisiana highways made me car sick and I started feeling nauseous. After I barfed in my empty big gulp cup about four times. I asked the oblivious man to please pull over, as if he didn't get the hint that he should stop the car when the hurling first commenced. He said, no I can't stop because we have a chance to make it to Houston before rush hour bla bla bla. He did end up stopping thirty minutes later, possibly only because the barf cup was pretty much full and he was beginning to sense the evil things I was plotting against him in my mind. I was actually going to spill the remnants of my waffle house breakfast on him. Not sure that I would have actually gone threw with it but I was thinking about it. I asked him if I could change the radio station and he said no. I then got ticked off and asked him If he really thought that it was fair that he got to pick all of the music yesterday (8 hours straight in the car) and today. He said yes it was fair because he was the one driving. Then I got pissed off because he wouldn't let me drive. There were a dozen other little things that irritated me today, and really a lot of these things bother me all the time, I just ignore them. I ignore myself. I told Kelly today that he pisses all over my dreams. I wonder why it is that every thing that he wants, and dreams of needs to be sought and fought for with the utmost urgency and he doesn't even think that there is a need for me to have an ambition that doesn't fit in with his plans for his future. I would say our future, but I feel like with him that I just happen to be there. If he read this he would probably say that everything he does he is for our family. He made some dumb ass comment about me wanting to be involved with everything in his life. Of course I had already exceeded my quota on mature responses. So I just said Fuck You, Fine. Do what the fuck ever you want (like he doesn't anyway) Kelly deserves the man of the year award for waking up each morning, going to his well paying job and paying the bills. Because, he does this he deserves to act like an asshole 60-80% of the time.

God continually blesses this man of mine and he just gets more ungrateful by the minute. I wonder if some day God is going to get tired of hearing him pissing, and moaning and being mad at the world and is going to give him something to cry about. I can whine because this is my rant. I know he's my dog, and the way he acts towards me is my fault because I haven't trained him well. Do they have Petsmart obedience training for husbands? Can I read a book and learn effective techniques for eliminating unwanted behaviors. Can I squirt him with a water bottle? Rub his nose in it? Swat him with a rolled up newspaper. (Note to animal lovers I would never do any of things to my actual dog, but he is much better than my human dog) Maybe I should right an instruction manual for him. 1) If you don't give a shit about what I'm doing or what I want to do, just humor me. Pretend to be interested, and that you actually care about my happiness. The spell checker says that barf and fuck ared not real words. I beg to differ, I guess technically the latter is an acronym. I guess I should type it in all caps then. I hate PMS!

Question:_ What is the truest definition of Globalization?

_ Answer:_ Princess Diana's death.

_ Question:_ How come?

_ Answer:_ An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend
*
* crashes in a French tunnel,
*
* driving a German car
*
* with a Dutch engine,
*
* driven by a Belgian who was drunk
*
* on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
*
* followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
*
* on Japanese motorcycles;
*
* treated by an American doctor,
*
* using Brazilian medicines.
*
* This is sent to ! you by a Canadian
using Bill Gate's technology,

and you're reading this on your computer,
*
* that use Taiwanese chips,
*
* and a Korean monitor,
*
* assembled by Bangladeshi workers
*
* in a Singapore plant,
*
* transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
*
* hijacked by Indonesians,
*
* unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
*
* and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
*
* That, my friends, is Globalization*

Some Of Bill Mahr's New Rules

Subject: New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Caveman's last meal

I actually put effort into the preperation of the cavemans meal lastnight and what thanks do I get? He goes to sleep extra early 8pm (even earlier than the kids). I went to church at 7:45 to pick up Lindy and Blaze from youth group and when I came home Kelly Sr. was snoring and Ranger was standing on the kitchen counter and had dumped out a variety of different spices on the kitchen floor. Cinnamon, garlic powder, black pepper and rubbed sage. I don't know why I trust him to watch them at all. Then he closed the sliding door to our bedroom which cannot be opened from the outside and locked me out of our bedroom, so I got to spend the night in the living room. Which would not have bothered me except for that our couch is not at all comfortable. Little Kelly woke up and was not feeling good so he got on the couch with me. He was hogging the couch and before I knew it I was sleeping on the floor with a sleeping bag. Yes I knocked on the door and asked him to let me in and all that and if he heard me he won't admit to it because he didn't get up and open the door. In the morning he woke up and opened the door and I made some sarcastic comment to him and he said that if I really wanted to get in I could have lifted the sliding door out. Then he played stupid and asked why I didn't knock on the door. I resisted the urge to say something snide. Brandy says she finds these little domestic dramas of mine entertaining. I'm trying to indulge her. The ridiculous thing is I don't even have to make this crap up.