Paint-by-Numbers from Your Photos

Paint-by-Numbers from Your Photos

12 Step Program No I'm not an alcoholic

I've started to work a twelve step program. I was at step four which is to take a fearless an searching moral inventory. Which in itself is a tall order and I had no idea where to begin. So another one of break off pseudo cult members asked me if I had any questions and I said yeah step four, I have no idea where to begin and wouldn't you know it they have workbooks for just such things. I don't even have to ask myself hard hitting questions, the workbook asks and I answer. I read through it about 10 times before I began and as I was reading it I was thinking to myself am I even ready for this level of honesty even with myself. So I decide that I am the one person I can be honest with, I can live with me. So I begin by saying, Kelly if if I leave this book laying around please don't read it because the things I am going to write will cause you to divorce me so he swore the sacred oath that he would not read it. Well I was working on it in my car when I was waiting for L to get out of practice today. Then I left it in my car because that is really the safest place for it. Well Kelly borrowed the van tonight, I am not sure why. I think it is because he was picking up C's girlfriend and thought my car was cleaner or something. I'm really not sure. Now I am scared shitless, I left that workbook in my car. I know Kelly won't read it but what if she gets bored and starts to read it. Then she tells C and C tells my beloved. I was fearless, vague but fearless. I don't think I am ready for total honesty.

? Answered

We got stuck in the horrid ice storm and did not make it back until 11:00 p.m. Sunday night. Thus, the pig had purpose. Or, you can go with Janelle's theory - Pumba couldn't stand the thought of another Lion King movie and threw himself in front of the moving vehicle.

?

My pup is sleeping in my suitcase on top of the clothes that I have not unpacked yet from my trip that never was. I am sometimes subject to whims and flights of fancy this is my nature. On Thursday evening I decided that I was going to shirk off significant responsibilities on both Lindy's and my part to drive for days to be in Yang's company. I was ready and I was willing, setting aside my immense fear of driving at night and through large towns. I said to myself there is a great purpose for these actions and I will do this. Then I hit a giant Javelina on the highway and that put and end to that. Brandy said that perhaps something worse than a big pig awaited me down the road. Maybe so, I drove for almost five hours and ended up back home with a messed up van. What purpose this serves I know not. Thankfully Yang's daughter is accompanying her now in my stead. Which I am glad for but still wish that I could be there with her.

And now, for your edification..............

Dream Dictionary:
Vampire:
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. (Yang's gut busting laughter inserted at this point.) Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.

Dream Bank:
Fighting Vampires:
The vampires in your dream may suggest that you are feeling drained of your life energy and autonomy. In dreaming that you are fighting these vampires, is a literal depiction of your daily struggles with keeping things in order. You may be suffering from exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your domestic or personal life
Alluring Vampires:
You seemed to have captured the paradox of the vampires in your dreams. They represent death, ferocity, and aggression. At the same time, they represent lust, nobility, and seduction. This complex dream figure is a reflection of your extreme and diverse feelings involving a situation or relationship. Perhaps the dream may be a metaphor for a romantic obsession you are experiencing that has little or no emotional foundation. This relationship may also prove to be ultimately harmful to your autonomy and independence.

The shift that your dreams has taken in how your perceive the vampire may have to do with your attraction to the "bad boy" image. These are the guys that you know that you should stay away from, but nevertheless you are drawn to them.

Ying's Whacky Dream Ride

Ying's latest joy ride of the mind. I think she dreams in novellas.

Lydia : It was black outside, pitch, no stars at all. The only light came from a torch that Hal was carrying. We chased them into an olive grove or so we thought. Your gonna love this, Hal was dressed very old fashioned like a Quaker and I was dressed in a long flowing white cotton gown. It could have been a night gown.
Lydia : it was freaking dark outside no light save from the torch that one of us was carrying, we had chased them into an Olive grove
Lydia : okay so there were two vampires apparently we were hunting them, although I was secretly hoping that they would get away because I wanted to do one of them
Lydia : I was feeling a bit sad for them and I remember seeing this giant tree and and it was an Acacia tree, have no idea what an Acacia tree is or if it was really, it was giant and twisted. Beside it stood a large Manor.
Lydia : I hoped that they would climb the tree and escape into the house. which they did but apparently Hal had planned this and was only using me as a lure
Lydia : which I myself did not mind one bit, so now they are inside the house
Lydia : Hal has somehow bound them from harming us while we are in the house and he is conversing with them, and they tell him that we are safe but the world is not, (pretty hokey huh) I am slightly dissappointed as I really wanted to be bitten
Lydia : and as they are leaving the house to torment the world the sexy one grabs my ankle and sinks his razor sharp teeth into it and it is painful erotic and delightful all at once.
Lydia : So then we are longer in the house but in an old gothic mausoleum type thing there are alot of people there and they are all in despair
Lydia : except for me I am just having a grand time and my main goal at the moment is to go find the vampire so I can make out with him
Lydia : I run into him several times and we completely make out until I somehow grow a conscience
Lydia : So I decide that I am just going to find some place safe to hide
Lydia : So I ask the vampire where this place might be that is safe from him and he tells me and I believe him
Lydia : Can't remember what or where this place is now so I try to make my way to it, taking as many as I can with me
Lydia : and as people are fleeing they are leaving behind there children, only caring for there own safety and it was truly horrifying
Lydia : I saw a young mother abandon her baby, just carelessly toss it to the side as if it were nothing
Lydia : and I said to her what are you doing?
Lydia:and she pretended to care and to look for it but she did not really, so I began to look for it myself
Lydia : she said that she had no longer had any use for the child that it was just a pawn to get what she wanted and now served no purpose
Lydia : I did not find her child. Then I remember being on a train and I looked down on a seat and I saw what I thought was a dead child so I touched it and I realized it was alive and so I took it with me to the safe place
Lydia : It was a little girl and the people that were keeping the safe place let me keep her and said that her parents would not come for her that they left her on purpose.
Lydia : Freaky dreams
Lydia : the end

Mountains Mountains Everywhere

The Dream Dictionary's explanation of my dream pretty much applies to every aspect of my life. However, there were no mountains in the dream. Just a voice telling me to hug the mountain. Not ascend it, not descend it, but hug it. And of course, the warning about only hugging it once.
But, having no better explanation than the dictionary's I am currently climbing the mountain of paperwork involved in tax preparation for the farm. I don't think that's what the dream means, but I'll give it a shot.
Just to be on the safe side, I hugged Yang Ching's Hammer when I went out today and I'll hug him again later when I go back out to feed. His sire's name is Hammer's Mountain.

From the Dream Dictionary

Mountain: Mountains in our dreams symbolize conquering, overcoming, hard work, willpower, and ascending above petty circumstances. Climbing the Mountain implies hard work in learning a new skill. Descending the Mountain implies stepping back from a situation, taking time to think about your actions, getting a second opinion. A Mountain range in your dream represents a new adventure, and is a message encouraging expansion in your life

Voices In My Head

I very, very rarely dream lucidly or remember anything I've dreamt. Usually it is only when I'm on some dream-inducing drug. (The prescribed kind, of course.) So when I do have some dream or odd sleeping experience that sticks with me, it generally haunts me until I figure out what I think it is about.

Last night I kept hearing a voice telling me to hug the mountain. I have absolutely no clue what the devil this means. There were no pretty pictures or dancing unicorns - just this voice in my head (in the dream) that kept saying, "Hug the mountain and it will be okay. But, you have to hug it twice in a row. If you only hug it once, it will only make things worse." This seemed to occur over and over during the night and more than once I was aware of the fact that I was dreaming it.

I had hoped typing it out would make some bell go off in my head, but nothing is happening. Oh well - guess I'll go look for a mountain. Which may take me a lifetime in Kansas.

Got Guilt?

D came up to me and gave me a hug as he recounted how he had recently told someone that if they wanted to follow in Christ's footsteps they should do what ever Lydia is doing. Well that was embarrassing, I tried not to make gagging sounds. I then informed him that I have taken Christ to some pretty sleazy places lately. The humor was lost on him. I know that I shouldn't care what anyone thinks but I really don't want anyone thinking that I am someone I am not, then again I guess that just stems form not wanting to disappoint. Maybe I am afraid they will see the real me in action and die of a heart attack. I'm an okay person, I don't always do my best to do the right thing. Sometimes I just do whatever the hell I want to with no regard for anyone. I felt guilty (briefly after he made the comment to me) I felt Ike a shitty person but hat lasted about a millisecond.

Stay out as late as you want.

Lastnight K said stay out as late as you want but I suspect that he didn't really mean it. He has barely spoken to me today, he has been hiding out upstairs all day. He did ask me if I had fun several times, but his tone was not sarcastic. In answer to the question I replied yes!
I was barely rested a few hours when I woke to get the crew off to school but I made a great effort to be cheery and bright in homage to the God of the bar that blessed me with no hangover.
L asked where I went lastnight and I told her leaving out the actual name of the bar as she is familiar with what type of establishment it is as it is relatively close to our house and we have discussed it at length. No hangover aside I was still dog tired and this became more evident as the day progressed. I tried several times to catch some ZZzz's but it was not to be. For some odd reason I neglected to eat both breakfast and lunch. When I realized this I immediately went to the fridge and got my dinner from lastnight that was completely uneaten. I wasn't particularly hungry but I was prompted to eat by the fact that the last time I went without both food and sleep I nearly lost leave of my senses, and as I don't desire to leave this plane of reality quite so in depth at any time now or in the future I resolved to force myself to eat. Usually eating is not a problem for me as I love food.
I also anticipate a deficit of rest this evening as I am very anxious about Lil B's visit with her father.
The one really beautiful thing about depriving myself of both food and sleep is that my senses become heightened and it is way better than any drug I know of. Or I assume it is as there are many drugs that I have not tried. When I was waiting for Lindy to get out of school I stared at one of the big Palms trees and watched the Palms sway in the breeze. I was listening to music and their motion seemed to be choreographed to the song. At that moment I thought my life is good. Then of course I started getting philosophical with myself and pondered things needlessly such as my life with K ands when I think about this I do not think in terms of how it would be without him now. I think of how it would be if when I tried to make my great escape he did not follow me. I decided that although my life would be more interesting, maybe more colorful, it may or may not be any better than it is at this moment. There are reasons I chose Kelly, some of them very sound. Mainly I was afraid of who I really was and I could see my candle burning out very quickly. I wanted to escape myself and in him I did that very well for a very long time. He was very willing to control and direct me.
He is who he always has been and I am an ever evolving changing thing. He truly must love the essence of that which is me, he seems to love me no more or no less than at any time. He is tolerating my ME show quite well it is running simultaneously right alongside his own.

Ranger Magic

Ranger is very well spoken at times for a four year old, well spoken for anyone actually. I am often impressed with his ability to communicate and convey a thought. This morning we were conversing about how his wishes seem to materialize. He finds it quite magical, I ask him how he manages this and he says that he wishes and wants and pulls it to himself. "I'm like a magnet", he says. He tells me that you just have to be patient and everything will happen. I wonder how he knows this at four years old when it has taken me nearly my entire existence to figure this out. Sometimes I still forget. The part that impresses me the most about Ranger is that he seems to express gratitude for the fulfillment of his wishes even if it is delayed. I need to work on this skill, maybe he can teach me.

And One For You!

Ying, you always know exactly the right thing to say! You funny girl, Missy Ying! And no one can make me laugh like you do. Which only proves the point that we need to be closer. Here is a sign for you to share with all those people in your life who suck. Since it is impossible for them to stop sucking, they can at least do it where we don't have to watch. I love you and thanks for making me laugh at the world!

HAPPY BUNNY FOR YANG!

I am drinking a cup of tea and thinking of you. I can't help it if everyone else sucks but us. I suspect it some times and I know I vocalized this to you. It certainly does feel that way at times. I wish everyone could be like you, love me the way that you do, be everything you are for me. Even though the world is filled with people unwilling or able to love or be loved. I have decided that they do not really suck, they are just inept. Too stuck on and inside themselves to venture out and really love or live or be honest with other people and their self. Okay some of those people do suck, I can think of at least a few. We can't expect these people to be human let alone live up to Ying, Yang standards. (Which really aren't that high so those people really do suck for not meeting them because obviously they are morally corrupt or spiritually defunct or have some such deficit which prevents them from attaining our warm regards) Brandy told me to cheer you up, I don't think this is what she meant.