Stressed

K is stressed over real estate repairs, he is also being very hard on me over anything but what he should obviously be pissed at me for and I can't say that this is anything new. Right now all I can do is take what ever he throws at me because of my tremendous guilt. All tests came back negative so far the piper has yet to be paid. That could change though, I am waiting patiently. Well maybe not so patiently. I slept some today and this was a nuisance to K, he wanted to know why I was sleeping.(It could have been because I slept like shit after the demon called)All I could think to say was that I was meditating not sleeping. I should have said that I was trying to practice time travel. If I could go back in time and change a few key decisions I don't know that I would. I really think that there must be something to be learned from this. Maybe the lesson is not profound, or complex or even very important but I can't help to think that there was something that I was suppose to take away from all this. Ask me what that was in a year or so I may have figured it out by then, or I could still be scratching my head.

Did I mention that God warned me in advance that all of this was going to transpire but I decided to disregard the message or interpret it in a way that suited my own needs. It's true it's true, so occasional psychic glimpses are of absolutely no use if the psychic is a freaking idiot. I am dumb as shit sometimes. Just not quite dumb enough to stick my hand in fire.

Compassion

Last night the demon called from another number. Now if I possessed any intelligence whatsoever I would have the fore thought to just turn my phone off at night. But, being the dumb ass that I am , I just didn't think to. The phone rang once I ignored it, then K said hand it to me. So K answered the phone and the demon had enough nerve to actually ask to speak with me. K told him that he could not talk to me and not to call. Of course after they spoke and I turned off my phone he called again. K is handling all of this with such grace and compassion. He feels sorry for the demon and even some small part of him wishes that he could help him, but we are not the ones to do that. In a way I am disappointed at myself for not recognizing the situation and offering him real help instead of my company or affection. K is planning on having words with him today although we don't really think that it will do any good. K thinks that there is only two ways that this can end, either he goes to jail or he gets what he wants. Him getting what he wants is not an option. If there was even the slightest possibility that my resolve could ever weaken his ugly evil words have almost obliterated any love I had or ever will have for him. What kind of a sick fuck threatens to kill their own children?
I love K, he has a great way of making me see the obvious. He said," you are pretty wonderful but, you do understand that this has nothing to do with you." K realizes just how sick the demon is and this is just the latest chaos in his life. We are both so glad that our roommate will be arriving shortly. Another layer of protection for Ying.

K is home!!/ Unexpected Angel

K is home and if he holds any resentment towards me he is hiding it very well. He has been nothing but kind and compassionate to me, even as I mourn the loss of the demon K has been 100% there for me. This is something that I never would have guessed. He is trying his best to show his love for me and I am so very full of gratitude for his new presence in my life. I had a wonderful night with him. I am beginning to appreciate so many qualities that he possesses that I have just taken for granted. K has overcome his addiction and that alone is a lot.

Sometimes our angels are those that we do not expect. Mel is my unexpected angel she saved me from a lot of pain and misery by sharing her experiences with me. At one time I would have considered her my adversary.Honestly I could see the demon doing each thing he did to her to me, in time. I feel like she saved me, probably saved my life even. I do not think that I am as strong as she is, the things that she has experienced would have utterly and completely broken my spirit. I could see myself becoming so lost in him that I could not have found my way back. It is hard to let go but she helped me to. I don't know that I could have done it without her. Many years ago the demon chose her over me and at the time I felt like I lost the only person on earth that I could be happy with. Now when I look back I feel gratitude that for whatever reason he chose her and not me to torment. I used to tell myself it was because she was younger and beautiful but I think the real reason is that he could see that she was a much kinder person than I.

Pants on Fire

"I need cash to visit my Yang and I promise next time I won't spike her morning coffee with Tequila."

LIAR, LIAR!

Was the Lion a Coward or Just Smart?

Definition of intelligent: having the capacity for thought and reason.

Sticking one's hand in a turning fan is dangerous and painful. Is not doing so
cowardice or intelligence?

Way more than I bargained for

The demon is now threatening to show up at my home so of course I cannot sleep. He is trying to coerce me into being with him by promising me that he will go to treatment if I agree to marry him when he gets out. His new theory on why I can no longer see him is that I am screwing his best friend. The boy is beyond delusional. So I am sitting here fully dressed at 2:30 in the morning just in case he shows up. Not quite sure what I'll do. Call the police? Talk to him? Hide inside and hope he goes away. He is now threatening to kill himself and all his children. I called the police and also the children's mother. i never bargained for any of this.

Ying The Coward

The demon messaged me to call me a fucking coward.

Definition of coward-
One who shows ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.

Well he is dangerous and painful so if I'm a coward so be it.

The new meds are working!!

The new meds finally kicked in! Thank God! Modern medicine is the bomb. I am drinking a large cup of coffee out of my Yang BFF cup. Yang thinks of everything. She even bought me a pillow for my plane rides. I decided that I am going back to work somewhere and soon. I need cash to visit my Yang and I promise next time I won't spike her morning coffee with Tequila. Things are going to get better, they have to.

Socrates

"The hottest love has the coldest end."

Family? Vacation

I finally decided what we are doing for vacation. we are going to go to San Antonio for 4 days, I bought season passes to Sea World. Found a hotel room that offered 2 room suites with 3 queen beds so we should be set. I am not feeling the best, I feel physically ill. I'm nauseous and not very enthusiastic. I just don't want to do anything at all. K cannot get here soon enough. I cannot wait to just lay in bed with him and be held. I am not doing too well at the moment. Even if I try not to think too much I just feel this overwhelming sad feeling and it is really kicking my ass. Our new roommate will be arriving shortly and I have done virtually nothing to prepare for his arrival. i will be so glad to have him here. When I tell him about the last six weeks of my life he will be floored I am sure. Allen could not arrive at a better time for me. It will be nice to have him here, to have an available person to talk to. Roo is crying for absolutely no reason and it is driving me nuts. My patience is wearing thin. can I take the vacation without the kids? Can K take them to Sea World while I sit near the pool and get burned to a crisp. I am having the mood swings from hell today.

Some small part of me wants to just be miserable but the greater part of me the part that is truly me just wants to get on with life. So I prayed this morning that God would remove any thoughts of the demon that may be lingering within me. Going to have someone help me clean the house tommorrow. I am going to go grocery shopping today and I also need to go by the school and drop some papers at the financial aid office. so much to do and I don't want to do any of it and yet I am trudging along putting one foot in front of the other. I am even going to curl my hair and paint on a face. I dreamt last night about visiting my old high school with my daughter only this time she was the student. In previous a dreams I am always the student. I remembered looking across the field for the grove of Eucalyptus trees and then remembering that in reality they were long gone but in the distance I see another grove of tall Eucalyptus trees. I think that my dream means that it is time for me to grow up (my daughter being the student rather than I). The significance of the trees is not so obvious. I used to love those trees, each day I would take the long way around the field just so I could be near near then and breathe in there scent. Each Spring they would be filled with beautiful butterflies. Then one day they were cut down and I truly mourned them, I loved them that much. So I think that in the dream the trees in the distance were new people or new life that I am yet to experience. It also may be significant that the reason that was given for the removal of the trees were that they were diseased. Even though I never saw any signs of this but then again I was a 14 year old girl and not a tree expert. I guess the trees could be similar to a person in my life. Drug addiction is a disease, if I did not believe it before I believe it now. I thought of Jennifer this morning and I felt bad about how judgemental I was of her and now I understand that while in the grips of her addiction that she truly must have had no control over her life. It seems like a foreign concept that one could have no control but in light of recent events I have come to believe it wholeheartedly.

Sleepy

If nothing else at least I am writing again. My mom called me last night and I pretty much clued her in on what is going on in my life. She had a similar situation in her own at one time and I remember it vividly. She initially called me to guilt me into a visit but I headed her off with current events. She is threatening to move down here but I will believe it when I see it. There whole damn excuse for not moving here and this is truly a really good one, is that Dad doesn't like the mosquito's. The real reason is probably that she would not be able to stand being away from her psycho mother. We get along better when we are at least a thousand miles apart anyway. I want to go back to Kansas and sleep for a week or two weeks even. I am worn out and beat down and I don't feel like doing a damn thing. I just want to hibernate.

LET IT FADE JEREMY CAMP

You really must listen to the song to get the full effect. I've been playing this song on repeat.



Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty? yeah!
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

Diamonds for Ying

I have a new pair of diamond earrings, (eww... don't even ask what happened to my last pair). It was an I love you present to myself. Even if I am not in love with myself at the moment, I can at least woo me. If I find a some that I like better in the near future I will pass these ones on to Lindy. My original intention was to get L a pair too but there were none that I liked other than these ones. Maybe I will find a pair before her birthday, or my old ones will miraculously find there way back to me (fat fucking chance).
Things are getting better with each passing day. I went to the doctor yesterday and I am now on a new antidepressant, if I ever feel the urge to stop taking it I will remind myself what happened the last time I thought that I could go with out it. It wasn't all bad, my strange trip. Yet the ugly made such an impression that it greatly overshadows any feelings of bliss that I had. Yes I was pretty blissed out for a moment or two as is evident by my writing. I am working towards finding a HAPPY medium, well I'd prefer the blissed out,( but I am a realist). Okay, that is a damn lie, sometimes I am not realistic about anything. I tend towards fantasy and at times it actually materializes.

One Tough Old Broad

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Margaret Mitchell

Quote DuJour

Otomo No Yakamochi

"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."

A Ying By Any Other Name

I'm glad you didn't change your name. You have too much innate goodness to pull off a Yang for long. Besides, now I get to keep the easy job - being a Yang is a breeze, but being the light side is hard work. And it is all about ME ME ME after all....

The to do list for yesterday did not get done due to other more important things to do which I cannot elaborate on. It wasn't a fun day, and a year from now when I am not feeling like a piece of shit I will share yesterdays experience because I think that there is at least one person out their that could learn from it. Yesterday I did the right thing and it wasn't easy and it wasn't fun and if it were not for a friend that loved me I would not have done it at all. Sometimes you have to take complete responsibility for your actions even when to do so is completely freaking uncomfortable.
I must be making a little progress because when I woke up this morning I wanted to laugh at me. Not a mean laugh but just a little giggle. I find myself increduous. I am very glad that I did not chronicle each of my not so stellar moments. Maybe it would have been a good thing to do, perhaps if I wrote about it then history won't have a chance to repeat itself.

I am debating on Whether or not to get my nails done, I have decided that when I pick up my check today I am going to give the kiss off to McD's. I'm not Ronald McDonalds bitch anymore. I am going to spend some time with my family, I know I won't have a lot of it once I start school.
Vacation, Vacation, where to go where to go. K may want to kill me but I am thinking Lousiana. Zams swamp tours anyone? New Orleans haunted houses?

I was sleeping soundly

That is until a phone call from the fucking demon interrupted my slumber and you know I was going to answer it, but I didn't reach the phone in time. I think that I was going to tell him to go away but really I can't be sure. I hope that is what I would have told him. It was around 2:30 am, maybe the bar had just closed and he thought of me in between scores. I think today was his payday so he is probably pretty high right now. It has only been a few days but it feels like so much longer and that is not a bad thing. I am praying to God that he just fades away from me and already he has faded a bit. K has forgiven me and I am working on trying to forgive myself for my recent lapse in judgement.

L and I dyed our hair last night, okay so it is temp dye but it is a change for both of us. Her hair is very cherry and my highlights that have recently come back with a vengeance are now a dark reddish color. Okay it actually looks kind of deep magenta to me but it was supposed to be red. it will wash out n less than a month so what the heck. I am counting the days til K comes home. I feel safe with him, I trust him.

Today was easier but not easy. I began to pay the piper today, I'll soon know what the exact fee will be, I hope that I can bare it. I'm sounding a bit enigmatic because I am not sure that a public forum is the best place to discuss the gory details. Today a friend messaged me just to say that they loved me and that they were thinking of me and it came at just the right time. I am still in the habit of keeping my phone close and this may be a good thing. I kept watching the clock waiting for 7 because this is the time that K would call. I look forward to hearing from him now. I never thought in a million years that he would be capable of so much compassion and understanding for me. He loves me very much in his own way. I asked for a couple personal days off from work but I think that I will quit tommorrow, I really don't need the money. I am going to spend the rest of my savings that I have not managed to piss away on a vacation for the family and I'll get a loan for school or we will find the money.

Last night was tough

I would have done almost anything to get rid of the bad feelings and thoughts that I was having. I tried reaching for my old friend comfort food and oddly enough I am having a hard time eating anything. So I rode it out and here I am and it is a brand new day. I am curently on the hunt for my debit card and ID so I can go to the craft store and buy some beads. Ying needs a new ism and for those of you that aren't Yang an ism for Ying is whatever she is obsessed with at the time. Most of Yings ism's are rather sweet and harmless don't really know what happened with this last one. Temporary insanity I suppose. I pinky swore to friends that I was going to go to the Dr and get some meds but as of yet I have not made an appointment. I have til noon until I am actually held accountable for this. I may call soon. It's just a phone call right?
I spoke to Kelly at length last night and I would have stayed on the phone with him all night if I could. I need to hear his voice it is a comfort to me. I have a to do list for today.

The Rebirth of Ying

I was going to switch names with Yang a few days ago as this was our original agreement when we assumed our alias's. Since I was becoming the darker one as of late it seemed appropriate, yet Ying I remain. When will I grow my wings I wonder?
Today was uneventful. C's X messaged me looking for him. The wise one instructed me to ignore the message but I could not resist the temptation. I messaged her back saying that he was out of my life and that I hope to never know where he is. For the record if anyone that actually cares about me finds out that I am even communicating with him, please get a gun and shoot me in the head because he is worse than death for me. I am not just saying this, he is a demon and wants me to help him dig his hole back home. Figuratively... Of all the men on earth that I could choose to love, I pick a fucking schizophrenic drug addict. Way to go Lydia!!!! I will work on getting the PG rating for this blog, Just give me a few days or weeks to decompress. I am feeling greatful at the moment, lonely and sad yet greatful.

Butterflies and Math

The butterfly is a symbol of transformation or change, love and joy.
You do the math......

Mind and Heart

The morning sun is still just as beautiful and I think to myself how dare it be. I am praying to God to remove C from my mind and heart. Yesterday I found myself in the presence of friends and they held my hand stroked my hair and generally comforted me while I cried like a fucking baby. I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself, I have lost nothing. Perhaps I lost the illusion of something grand but that is all it was, an illusion. It wasn't real or solid or tangible, less real than a dream. I could be angry but I'm not. I am not feeling much of anything actually. Honestly I wasn't doing all that great a month ago and the way I feel now may even be a slight improvement. I know that God loves me because God is constantly speaking to me and showing me love. Yesterday morning I was feeling exremely low, my mind was in that dark place and my heart may have been as well and in the midst of all of it God spoke to me. I was at Manor delivering some materials to J when I heard a knocking but no one was at the door then I looked and saw a woodpecker knocking on the glass. He flew around to all the windows in each room I went in and did the same thing. I think that the bird was God saying hey you, knock knock, let me in. Then as I was contemplating the bird I lookedat the mural and saw a beautiful butterfly just sitting there slowing flutttering it 's wings. I didn't really find a meaning in the butterfly other than just seeing beauty when I felt anything but beautiful.

BITCH YOU KNEW I WAS A SNAKE My favorite part of "Natural Born Killers"

"Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, 'Why have you done this to me?' And the snake answered, 'Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake'."

Gone Daddy Gone (For real this time)

C is permanently absent from my life and if I ever see or hear from him again it will be entirely too soon for my liking. That boy (I refuse to call him a man) is on a desperate downward spiral and I more than suspect that his intent was to drag me down with him. Honestly, I may have even went willingly. I called K today with the original intention of asking him to come home early because I am not handling life too well at the moment. I ended up talking to him about C and apologizing profusely. K is amazing and yes he really does love me probably more than I deserve to be loved given my recent lapse in judgement. I think that K understands my recent actions even better than I do. So for the record, I am absolutely 100% without a doubt in love with my husband. I have no doubts where his love for me is concerned. He is the most stand up fucking guy I have ever met in my entire life and I am going to work very hard at having the kind of relationship that I want with him. I completely respect his recovery from addiction. Some people just don't have what it takes but my man does.

Humility

Humility is accepting ourselves as we really are.

Bad Judge of Character

I am an infamously bad judge of character. I am an infamously bad judge of character. I am an infamously bad judge of character. I am an infamously bad judge of character and I am seeking proffessional help. He came with a warning label and I finally read it.

Gem Ore-To-Go Ordering Page

Gem Ore-To-Go Ordering Page

5 minute blog

Right now at this moment I feel calm, I feel complete and I feel loved. I am not angry at anyone or anything and I marvel at all the beauty in the world. The way the stars twinkle when the city lights are dim or nonexistent, it's an awesome universe created by God's hand. Soft sand between my toes. Walking fearlessly in the dark. The cool night wind on my bare skin. When the waking is better than the dreaming and I don't want to sleep.

Click to Give @ The Animal Rescue Site

Click to Give @ The Animal Rescue Site

Just because you feel like shit doesn't mean have to look that way. I forced myself to curl my hair, I would have ironed a shirt if I could find the iron and the mere fact that I have lost the iron tells you how much I care about wrinkled clothes. The blood is pounding through my head again. I hear it as I rest my head on the pillow,rush... rush... rush... I know that I could take just one small pill and it would go away but right now I feel that it is best to just learn how to deal with the anxiety in my life rather than dulling it or covering it up with something else. I ran out of the perfume that Yang bought me so I went out and bought another bottle yesterday. Sprayed some on and will paint my face and try to smile.

Gone Daddy Gone

The good feeling is dissipating, I heard them this afternoon, negative thoughts creeping into my psyche. They seem perfectly logical. I want to write about a lot of things going on in my life but it is impossible to at the moment. I'm feeling inspired and yet in typical Elf Princess fashion I find myself afraid and it is not that I am afraid to be happy it's just that I am afraid that I cannot be happy for any length of time. I'm physically ill at the moment and I'm afraid I'm letting it get the best of me. As soon as I got home this afternoon K was out the door off to be with the cult once again. When he returned I informed him that I would never have left the house with him sick in bed to mind the children. I have decided that I am not going to miss an opportunity to let this man know what a miserably self centered individual he is and how little consideration he gives me.

Good Feeling lyrics Violent Femmes ( I changed a few words)

Artist(Band):Violent Femmes

A few words constitutes exactly 3 although L would change 3 words and claim it a whole new song!

Good feeling,
won't you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving
When I need you here just a little longer
Dear man there's so many things,
that I have come to fear
Little voice says I'm going crazy,
to see all my worlds disappear

Vague sketch of a fantasy,
laughing at the sunrise
Like she's been up all night
Oh slippin' and slidin'
What a good time but now,
have to find a bed
that can take this weight

Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving,
when I know the other one just a little too well
Oh dear man,
won't you stay with me just a little longer
You know it always seems like your leaving,
when I need you here just a little longer

It's raining piss.

I felt a drizzle and was it raining? No, it was K pissing all over my parade. Patronize me please....
Early in our conversation, I told him that the guy we got the sober living house from was in dire straights and had another house that he needed to part with, (the house is a no potential piece of shit). Of course Kelly fucking gets his real estate hard on and asks me how much we should give him for it. The man is perfectly willing to fork over 10 grand (He'll find it somehow) to acquire another property. I say no I am not interested we have enough on our plate at this moment. Then I proceed to tell him about how I went and found out what I needed to take as far as classes go in the fall. He didn't seem too enthused and then before I got to excited pissed all over my parade by saying that all he asks as if this is some frivolous expenditure is that I allow him to pay off 100% of bills before I consider going to school. I'm thinking to myself was this not the same man who was perfectly willing to spend 10 thousand on a house immediately but doesn't want to swing 1500 a semester for me. I said fine then I will get a loan. He then says how are you going to do that? Then I tell him that if not I will find a way. I then got pretty pissy and said I am 34 years old and I am tired of waiting. If the bills are such a source of stress why don't you just sell a house and pay them off? I am not discouraged, I honestly expected no different from him. I hope that I can get a loan, if not I am not below begging, maybe my wayward father can help me.

Good feeling won't you stay with me just a little longer. (yes I ripped off the violent femmes)

I am looking at the way the sunlight is kissing the ground and I am moved. I woke up this morning and I said to myself I am so freaking happy to be living and breathing and walking this earth and even if I have a thousand bad days this one is good. I am so blessed by God with t he ability to love and be loved. I think that some times God gives you exactly what you need right when you need it the most. Things that you may not even know you need. I have all the same tasks and challenges and yet my load seems lighter. I do not feel burdened by the future, I welcome it openly.
I looked in the mirror at myself and my face was so relaxed I actually thought that I looked younger. I feel damn beautiful right now.

Nurses ( Do not read if you are allergic to corn or cheese)

If I have written about this already please forgive me, I thought of some special people today and thought I would pay homage to them. I was 11 years old and playing handball by myself on the black top during recess. This was back in those days when they actually had recess and PE. I took a dive for the ball and ended having to pick the pebbles from the black top out of my face. I went to the nurses office and she said, "looks like someone is going to need some stitches." So she called my mom who yes didn't want me to have a scar on my face but no, could not take the time from work to help me. She managed to convince the school that I was completely capable of walking to the doctors office by myself. The nurse was hesitant but in the end they sent me on my way. It was maybe 1/2 a mile away if that. Perhaps just three or four blocks. I remember feeling incredibly lonely while I was walking there, the gauze on my face had loosened and it had begun to bleed a little bit. When I got there I was totally terrified and (I really wish I knew her name) the nurse was lovely. She held my hand and stroked my hair the entire time. She tried to distract me by talking to me. She was a very very good nurse and in that moment I loved her more than anyone else in the entire world. They had a different nurse walk me back to school, she held my hand the entire way. There is a tiny little white line underneath my chin and it reminds me angels really walk the earth.