I have come to the conclusion that my better half has multiple personality disorder, and there is little doubt that at least 4 of his 6  or more personalities hate my guts, and the other ones are just tolerating my presence in exchange for cooking and occasional sex. This could be the opening to a comedic masterpiece but  I can't even make up some of the shit that transpires around here. I know there is something seriously wrong with me because who in there right mind would want to live with someone that hates them?  The only answer to this would be that my mind is not right. Do I think that I am going to wake up one morning and be a different person and that he will like me better, I just don't know? A friend of mine once shared with me that they were too lazy to leave their husband and that they were not reasonably certain that they would ever find anyone that was any better. Yes, that about sums it up.
  Some times I feel like he thinks of me as the crappy room mate that is behind on the rent or the friend that is supposed to spend a night on your couch but ends up staying six weeks. I just feel like a nuisance and an aggravation to him.

  I am envious of L's ability to so freely and easily slip into an emotional meltdown. Abandoning all reason, all logic, all sense of time and space and responsibility. The ability to scream out loud at the top of her lungs and completely lose herself in child like fits of dissatisfaction.
  It seems all I can do is sarcasm, passive aggressive comments, and staring blankly. That is about the extent of my negative self expression. At this very moment I am not feeling gracious or thankful or in love with life. My double scoop of ice cream rolled off the cone and then I accidently let go of my balloon and  it's floating off into the clouds, I  watch it shrink until it disappears into nothing.
  I am too exhausted to even write a good rant.
 
 

707

Just days after I declared everything to be cotton candy and roses, chaos came to visit. Sometimes, I ride the waves like a bronze skinned, golden haired Goddess on my waxed board Then there are the times like this when I am overwhelmed by all the stimuli and I slumber. I slumber and I walk through life like a zombie. It's Netflix, and pizza hut. There are no long walks, no music just stagnation. Sometimes after I get tired of being battered by the waves, I'll wake up and things will gradually get better little by little. If I am lucky something or someone will pull me to shore.
  Last night I was laying about in a state of exhaustion. I heard my phone which alerted me to the fact that I received a facebook messenger message on my phone from Elida. It was a chain mail type message and I normally don't forward these things but since my friend Eli left the earth about a month ago. I passed it on. Of course the message was in Spanish as this was Eli's first language. My heart raced a bit to see her picture there and words. I assumed someone that loved her sent it to comfort her friends. I vaguely remembered receiving something like this in the past, might have been from her or someone else. It didn't translate very well  but the general message was positive. So I called my friend and coworker Norma and told her about the message. She asked what time I received the message. It was 7:07.  I have never had any interest in numerology but out of curiousity I looked up 707.
 So I left the mag poetry on my fridge for a couple of years and B never wrote me any poems. She might have said Hi by writing Hi in permanent marker on my unfinished wood table. I credited the kids for that. So B, I don't mind if you send me chainmail.

I briefly considered starting a blog to chronicle all L's crazy but then I though better of it. That doesn't mean that I still might not do it. I have done many things that I have thought the better of. It has been an especially trying time with L. It is emotionally just so exhausting. One day I am declariong myself a one year old at a cake smash and the next week I am just so tired. I am so emotionally connected to her and even though I am typically a great fan of rollercoasters. This one is no fun. It's like a rollercoaster without a seat belt or proper restraints and you are always fearing the next loop. Holding on so tight. So I only woke up with the slightest hint of a headache, a ghost of a migraine. I don't always express my emotions in the proper manner. There are a lot of things that I do not do properly. I am not a proper person.