A few days ago I placed a call to the site supervisor for our storage property. A wonderful man who is in charge of building the storage facilities for our company. A kind man whom my husband and I had taken an instant liking to when we met him a little over a year as he was building our storage facility here in Corpus. It wasn't an important call more just to bullshit about the new construction going on next door to us and I needed the bosses email address to mail him some humorous marketing merchandise I made up.
L. Is one of those great no-nonsense sort of guys who works hard, laughs easily and is in general fun to have around. He can even carry on an intelligent conversation. This is a trait we strive to find in our friends which could be why we have so few. The Pride and Joy his life is his 2 daughters. The oldest of which was married a month ago on July 17th and graduated from college last May. The youngest I believe was about to start her 3rd year of college. Both were musicians and played in their school marching bands. He is always showing us pictures of them (most recently the wedding photos) and telling us stories about all the wonderful things they were doing in their lives. They were good girls and made their father proud. The love he has for them shows in every word he speaks about them. He is a great dad.
I figured something was wrong when he started talking, there was none of the humor usually found in his voice. And where I expected a friendly conversation shooting the breeze as they say. His next words were "Brandy, I am not in Texas. I lost both of my daughters today."
I was speechless, horrified, lost and in tears but he was drowning in them as he told me their story. The oldest and her new husband moved back to the hubbys home town to live while the daughter looked for a jobs and the boy joined his fathers business. The younger daughter was there helping her sister get settled into her new home. All 3 were driving to pick up the boys dad at the auto mechanics when their car was broadsided by a semi. All three died. I don't know who was at fault and it doesn't matter. Regardless of fault the tragedy for all involved is the same. Three lives at their beginning gone in a blink. His pride and joys gone instantly, along with the only son he would ever have. And the truck driver (even if it wasn't his fault) with the knowledge that if not for him they would not be dead to live with for the rest of his life.
When I talked to him he had just arrived at the Dallas airport and was still on his way to the small town where it happened. I was speechless. What do you say, how can you possibly express anything than means something to someone in this situation. I couldn't tell him it will get better. It wasn't going to. Having not yet arrived at the scene, the worst was yet to come. And After the scene he still had to go home to the house where they had lived and face their ghosts. I cried with him, I listened to him I told him we loved him and that if he needed us to do anything at all for him here just to let us know. For a women who always has something to say and has been told to shut up repeatedly and has given unasked for advice all her life. I had nothing, Death stops me cold.
I have very few social skills to begin with and over the phone none were apparent. Les says that he probably won't even remember talking to me and at least I didn't say anything really stupid but I wish I could have found something to say that would have eased his pain even the miniscule bit. I know in my heart that would not have been possible. Even God himself could not have managed to give him a reason that would justify taking his babies away.
After hanging up the phone I burst into tears and was grateful there were no customers. Les had said he was going to clean units on the lot so I locked up the office and went searching for him running around on the golf cart blubbering like an idiot looking for him to hold me. I couldn't find him. He had opted for a quick nap instead of cleaning in the sweltering heat. He found me when I came back in wanting to know what was wrong. I told him and we both cried and felt the horror of the nightmare our friend was going through.
We have discussed little else over the last few days, for some reason this has touched a very raw spot in both our hearts. It has only been a few weeks since we were waiting on pins and needles to find out if our daughter had cancer and we were spared. It is very much a but for the Grace of God go I. I didn't handle the mere specter of death very well how could I survive the real thing, how does anybody.
Our friend had to sit here at the airport waiting for a plane to even begin his journey then after arriving in Dallas there was a several hour drive all to get to the one spot in the world where his worst fears would be confirmed. Shock is probably the most comforting companion one could have at a time like this. That and self-delusion. I would not be able to believe the worst until I arrived and saw it. When they are little we follow them around picking them up when they fall, kiss their boo boos and send them on their way. When they are teens we follow them around and dragging them home (preferably humiliating them in public) when they are doing something that could hurt them. In these cases we are there close at hand to catch them when they fall. How much harder would it be to live with knowing you weren't there, you didn't get to say goodbye and that there was no amount of catching that could be of any help. Our children laugh at us for worrying, for staying up late and for being in tears when they arrive home at 4am and haven't called. They say we don't trust them, that we have raised them right and we shouldn't worry, that we should just go to sleep because they will always make it home.
They don't understand, they are immortal, but we the parents know that it only takes one split second, a blink of gods eye and they can be whisked away as if they never existed. It doesn't have to be their fault or our fault it just happens over and over again every day in every place that human being live, humans also die.
So how do you survive such a happening. I know that many people don't, That marriages are forged into steel or split asunder during these moments the same as the souls of the loved ones who lost their heart. I have always thought of funerals as annoying heartless things to some extent and believe that the main purpose they serve as practiced today is that of gnats. The people who come to funerals always have nice things to say but how much can it mean when you exist in a time warp of shock and you know in your heart that everything they say is in the end meaningless drivel meant to make themselves feel better. To make them feel as if they have helped or at least participated. This is not to say this is a wrong thing, and some people do gather comfort but I have always felt so fake when offering platitudes to people in mourning. It doesn't matter that they are heartfelt. They are still meaningless in the face of loss. But as gnats, as little annoyances that keep those in mourning annoyed with someone or something, I think in this way we keep people cleaving to life that might have otherwise given up. Maybe being an annoying biting little gnat is not a bad thing if it prevents further loss.
I am a big believer in God and I know that when we die we go onto a better place. Maybe not harps and angels but certainly another plain of existence. One where we understand so much that we can't as we inhabit these weak human forms so easily damaged. I have always thought of hell as a state of being, when you wake up on the other side and know the truth of the pettiness and angers you carried through life, because you lived in fear, of death, of life, of loss. of failure, of love.
To be true to my beliefs, I don't think people should cry at funerals I think they should be joyous feasts for the person who escaped this world, completed their trials and gets to move on to the next adventure. Telling his to someone who just lost their loved ones is generally considered cruel and heartless. Yet all the major religions of the world speak of paradise upon death for those who believe. How can one have faith and yet not practice in its truest sense. And even if you know they are going on to a better place, you still have to deal with the loss of speaking to them, of seeing them, of sharing this worlds joys with them. In the end they faithful don't cry for their loved ones they cry for themselves.
Going on after such a tragedy would be incredibly hard. Coming home to the same house doing the same job having the same life but with big empty spots, Giant holes time can't fill. I think I would have to move away and start over. I would hope my marriage would survive but I can't guarantee it. The best I can tell myself is that if I were to die I would want my family and friends to throw a party and then go on happily and finish their life. I would not want my travel to a new and distant realm to be reason for them to be unhappy. Even if all my beliefs are false and death is nothingness I still would not want them to destroy their lives. It seems as if that would diminish my memory and everything that I stand for. I can only hope that if something were to happen to my children that I would remember this thought and to go on and cherish their memory by being the person who raised them and loved them and continue on in this life as person at peace with the world around me.
I will probably never say these things to my friend. Did I mention my social skills are nil and my timing atrocious. I will be here if he needs me and my prayers and spirit will follow him as he starts this new journey. This Sunday both girls will be buried, this Sunday will be one of the hardest days of his life. The preparations over, the final curtain closed. I can only hope that by writing my thoughts here that they will travel to him in one of those mysterious ways and that the prayers and love that I am sending him will help ease his burden. So this Sunday I ask all of you to pray to whatever Gods you believe in for all the parents and loved ones everywhere who have lost someone dear. That their burden may be shouldered and that their life may go on with their souls intact whole and unbroken. That their memories be joyous and that they find after the pain has begun to fade that as long as their loved ones are in their heart they are not gone and that love blesses us all forever.
