A few days ago due to some hormonal surge I kind of fell off my little pink cloud and feeling like shit after you've been all blissed out for about a month is a sharp contrast. It sucks on so many different levels. It took me a few days to get to where I am now which is not exactly blissed out but a very happy medium. Kelly's last visit home was uncharacteristically nice. I am changing for the better and I think that he recognizes this and appreciates me. Who would have thought that my forage to the dark side could bring about something better than what I had before.
Good morning world, I got out of bed this morning because I wanted to, and was barely tired even though L and I stayed up until 4:30 watching season 2 of True Blood. I was helping her recover from a shitty haircut. Lindy has been coveting Alice Cullen's hairdo for months. We tried somewhere new and pricey upon the insistence of a new friend. Actually she was so pushy you would think that she was getting some kind of a kick back. Long story short, the guy was afraid to chop to much of her do off so the result was a big pile of shit on her head, I took her back for a redo the next day and it's all good now.
This isn't fiction I know, I am working on my cafe story but at least this one isn't about regret, lost love, or pregnancy hormones.
About four years ago I was driving Allen home, and his home at the time was our newly purchased project. He was living there and readying it to rent. Anyway laying on the side of the feeder road off of the crosstown I spied an antique looking an box, it was about the size of a footlocker. Immediately my eyes lit up and I stopped, Allen asked why i stopped and i said I am going to get that old box. He of course being gentlemanly said he would load it in the car for me. Then he immediately offered to finish it for me, saying that he would really like to do this for me because he appreciated everything that I had done for him. I was very very touched. In fact i think that this may have been a turning point in our friendship for me if not the moment that I actually considered him a friend and not just Kelly's outlaw hired hand. He was supposed to be working towards finishing the house so I really didn't bother him about the box or when it would be ready and it may have even slipped my mind. After Allen got picked up one of the first things I did was search the house for it. To no avail, always wondered what happened to the box. Well fast forward to 2 evenings ago, the very day that I had just driven ten plus hours to pick his ass up in Huntsville we were visiting his old neighbor. Low and behold sitting proudly in her parlor was my GOD DAMN BOX!!!! I recognized it immediately and said that is a wonderful box Hilda where did you get it. She smiled sweetly at Allen and said that is the one you gave me. Now at that moment I wanted nothing more than to leave him there. (and really I should have because we all know how that one ended)
I was not exactly thrilled to be eating lunch with the monster in law. I purposely chose the loudest table. The one closest to the end of the street where hopefully the the squealing brakes of the inattentive drivers applying the pressure a little too late, the occasional engine revs from the yellow Mustangs and classic muscle cars driven by men in their early fifties, might, with a little luck, drown out the nasily voice of the vile women I would be dining with. If anyone asked me if I loved my mother in law I would easily reply yes because I do, in fact, feel some cardinal love for her. The same kind of love that I feel for most of the human race or at least a similar kind. Although, as my husband is often quick to point out, I do tend to find more compassion for a total stranger, and I have never argued that point.
I began sipping my Mocha, and it had just enough chocolate in it, which caused a complete look of delight to wash over my countenance and I immediately felt gratitude to God that I would at least get to enjoy my coffee before the Evil One's presence turned the cream. I am always grateful for little things like this. If the sound of the birds outside my window happen to wake me rather than the alarm clock, my whole day is joyous. I was about half way into the caffeinated chocolate goodness when I spotted the monster, momster, the woman who gave birth to my mate, slinking towards the table; all 85 pounds of her and dressed appropriately for an EMO teeenager. She was accompanied by her constant companion the giant purse that probably contained at least one carton of cigarettes and a bottle of some kind of hard alcohol.
"Hi Mom", I said rather unenthusiastically.
"Nancy honey, it's Nancy... We talked about this. I don't want you to call me Mom." Nancy had decided last Christmas that she would finally put her foot down and not allow me to call her Mom. Nancy was nothing like a mother to me, nor did she desire to have any kind of connection with me whatsoever. Nancy wasn't much like a mother to any of her four offspring, come to think of it. Nancy's primary function in her children's lives was to let them know everything that they were doing wrong and to constantly remind them of how much they were disappointing her.
"How are you Nancy?," I asked.
"Well I would be a whole lot better if you weren't trying to damage my grandchild by guzzling down that caffeine."
"It's a Mocha, Mom, and the Dr. said it's fine." I know how much being called mom irritates Nancy, so I am being a bit passive aggressive by continuing to use the term.
"So don't you just love Dr. Krausky?, Isn't she just delightful?" Nancy had insisted that I see the daughter of one of her Occult book club buddies for my pre-natal care. even though truth be told Nancy knew nothing of the woman other than that she was the daughter of Lilith.
I was trying to work up the nerve to say something about my appointment to Nancy, I scooted my chair back from the table and leaned as far away from her as possible so as not to be be within striking distance if Nancy reacted the way I thought that she would about my news.
"Actually Nancy, I am not going to be seeing Dr. Krausky anymore". I had initially wanted to use the Doula that helped birth my best friends child, but caved after Nancy had Lilith harass me. Lilith called at all hours for three days until I finally realized that it was futile and made an appointment with Dr. Krausky.
"I wanted to see Dr. Krausky but she was just too weird". Weird wasn't exactly the right word to use, scary maybe. Possibly even mentally ill. "Nancy she didn't behave very appropriately for an Obstetrician."
Nancy immediately accused me of thinking that I was too good and began listing the reasons that I was not good enough for her son. I cut her off abruptly which was not usually my style. Typically I just let her drone on while I either tune her out or imagine her getting hit by a truck. "Listen Nancy I don't even think this woman wants me to have the baby".
"That's rubbish any excuse to make me miserable, you know I am going to hear about this from Lilith for years, but do you care? No, you are are just too damn selfish. I often wonder what it is my son see's in you. She went on a bit more. I listened intently for the the loud vibrating horn of the Mack truck that I envisioned crashing into her body, this time it drags her all the down the street before it stopped. "Nancy first off the Dr. asked if this was a planned pregnancy and when I said it wasn't she immediately tried to refer me to a clinic." Well maybe she though you needed a massage, or a paraffin oil treatment, have you seen your hands lately what have been doing husking corn?
A clinic Nancy not a Spa, an abortion clinic. Oh.... that stopped her in her tracks. I went on to regale her with the details of the awkward office visit. Even after I told her that although this pregnancy was unplanned that this child was definitely wanted she looked me straight in the eye and said, not every baby is a gift from "God", and it wasn't so much what she said but how she said it. She strangely emphasized the word God as if my child was a gift from someplace else. It was entirely too Rosemary's baby for me. I asked her why she would even suggest such a thing and she then casually informed me that this was a question that she asked everybody. I wasn't really buying it. Not buying it at all, this gal was a crackpot just like her mother not unlike my mother in law. I could see them all burning incense and molding wax people together.I left out the part about my thinking she was a crackpot in relaying this to Nancy who genuinely seemed not a bit surprised or much affected by what I had related to her.
I was beginning to feel more than my usual slight annoyance with the monster in law.Maybe it was my pregnancy hormones kicking in full force, but I really felt the urge to (never going to finish this so I thought I would throw it in)
I do it because I've never had any better and I'm a damn idiot. I don't want to be alone and I don't believe that I will ever be able to find any other decent being that is willing to put up with me. Sleep with me yes, live with me no. On some level I must enjoy the abuse, there really can't be any other explanation for it. As for the medical bills, his reasoning is that it is my mistake not his and he will not pay for it. His money is his money, not our money.
In my life many of the decisions that I have made have been motivated by fear. Both logical fears and unreasonable fears. I myself have stunted my own happiness and growth based on decisions that I make and have made that are motivated by nothing but the bullshit that is in my mind. I am tired of living this way, and yet I am not tired of living. I am excited to be alive. I am grateful to God each day that I wake up and see the sun, but truth be told I am tired of waiting. That is the absolute truth, I have come to the realization that I am waiting for something that may or may not ever come to be. It's not the fucking end of the world.
K is on his best behavior, I am trying to conceal it but he can tell that I am hurting. He talks about the near and distant future and I just nod my head. He is trying in his own way but it may last just a day or two because that is just how long he can keep up the nice K act. I'm still feeling under the weather. I took a bunch of antihistamine so I could sleep last night but here it is 4 am and I am up once more.
A bunch of one liners just stuck there in my mind wanting to come together into a story but today I am not sure how. I that I may still be dreaming but I am awake, wide awake... It's one of those days. Hakuna Matada is not working so much for me right now. I feel like aliens sucked my brain out and replaced it with a bag gummy worms and everyone is laughing at me but I'm just not getting the joke because I am just too damn stupid. I do have gummy worms in my head after all. Rocks rolling around in there now that would be something, at least once in awhile they would clink together and everything would align just right and their would be the possibility if a lucid moment. K is one of the biggest freaking jerks that I know but God I love that man. I called the for emergencies only number so I could hear his voice but no luck. I miss him, isn't that emergency enough? I love our children, I love our family, I love us. He isn't fun or funny and he doesn't give a flip about my strange dreams or read anything that I write but I've decided that in the grand scheme of things how much do those things really matter? That's what I have Yang for right? Yang has saved my marriage!(This actually could be true to some degree) Yang is my cosmic twin.
Just got an email that the guy that sold us the halfway house has another one for us. It is probably a real money pit because I do not feel that we ended on good terms. I drove by the house and I don't think that I have any use for it. Good thing that I have no money, I am debating whether or not to tell Kelly about it. I guess the Christian thing to do would be to offer the house to my filthy rich neighbor.
Okay drafts pile is gone now.
