Why?

When I was a little older than L is now I had several rabbits, so many that there were only a few that I truly bonded with and that were really my pets. I remember coming home from school one day and witnessing a mother rabbit giving birth. I watched her kick one of the rabbits away from her, rejecting it. She gashed the newborn in the side in the process. I waited for her to take him back but she never did so I claimed him as my own and he was absolutely beautiful. He was solid white with black eyeliner around his eyes. I took him to school with me and a boy named Daryn helped me care for him. I named my bunny after him. The fury Daryn grew up to be a young rabbit and no one was more loved then him. Then one day I was watching him nibble grass in the back yard when a calico cat hopped over our fence and grabbed Daryn. The man that lived in back if us found him in his garage and he was so torn up that you could not really even tell that he was a rabbit. I remember crying and asking myself why? I guess Daryn was not meant to grow up and I was just interfering with natures way. I have always wondered what God was meaning to teach me with that lesson but I have yet to this day to figure it out. Right now I am feeling somewhat the same over a situation in my life. I guess sometimes it is just better to let nature run its course.

Kids and Kittens - Want one, Blake? Or Two? Or Three?

While the grandkids were here last weekend, they discovered a litter of kittens in my goat shed. Five little females that I need like I need another buckling.... (You have to raise goats and know that of the twenty baby goats we had this year, thirteen of them were bucklings (boys) to get that joke...)
Kenzie put the kittens in a bucket and walked around with them all morning, while we
tried to convince her they would starve to death if she didn't put them back with their
mother. She finally relented, but not before she decided that they needed their legs
stretched so that they would get stronger and be able to walk better. Lo and behold,
after a thorough session of Kenzie-cize, they were all running all over the carport.

P.S. No kittens were harmed during the filming of this documentary.

More Mag Poetry

Distrust
Murmurs clever lies
Deceptive Stranger
Tragic

Love
Insanity
Hysteria
Absolution
Sunk Emptied
Disappear Doubt
Innocuous Silences
Darker Solitude
Alone

I cleaned out my drafts pile!

Now if I could just clean out my email.

Advice

Instead of just listening to him today, I let my emotions get the better of me and I started offering up all kinds of condemnation and unsolicited advice. BOO Lydia.. I just could not help myself. I want to be his confidante but I am not going to commiserate with him. Have you ever loved someone so much that you just want them to be happy whatever that looks like for them.
On the other hand if he is too stupid to know that I am someone who cares for him and has his best interest at heart then so be it. He can find some stupid woman and lay his head on her pillow while she coddles his ego and enables him to ruin his life. However, if he ever decides he wants a real friend that doesn't want to fuck him or see him fuck himself then he knows where to find me.

Feeling Blue?

Science tells us that not all people perceive color in the same manner. Something to do with our eyes, light refraction and the way our individual brains interpret information. I have never had anything against the color blue. Yet, until recently if you would have asked me what my favorite color was, I would have said something else. Apparently, my brain is going through some interesting changes because the blue that I see now is so much more intense and deeper than I have ever seen before. Lately I have drunk in shades of azure that have nearly moved me to tears. Lump in my throat watery eyes the whole nine yards. Blue is so damn delicious to me that I want to eat the sky.
I am seeing all colors differently as well but it is blue that I am in love with. When did you get so lovely blue? So I could say that I am feeling blue but not in the classic sense. Whatever it is that is going on with me thank you God. I am just going to ride whatever this wave is and I'm not going to examine it too much.

My thoughts for the day.

I am going to do whatever it takes to be happy.

I am not going to base my happiness on how I think anyone feels about me.

I am going to live everyday rather than just existing.

I am not going to worry about things that I have absolutely no control over, ie the actions and feelings of others.

Happy B-day Lil Kel

Lil K is 8 today. We ate cake for breakfast and then went to the National Seashore. We let the waves crash into us. The water was unbelievably clear for a change and warm and wonderful as usual. We stayed a bit too long, the boys did fine with their 50 Sunblock but I did not wear any. Can you say burn? Ohh Yeah.. In honor of Lil K's day I want to share a story about him. I am not the best weaver of stories but this is the one that I will always remember about him. Lil Kel was about 3 and Roo was not yet walking(just at the stage where he was pulling himself up on things). We had left the ice chest from a road trip in the kitchen as I intended to empty the contents into the refrigerator. I don't know if I got distracted or was being lazy but I left the ice chest inside the house. The ice had melted and the large chest was about 1/3 full of water. I went to the bathroom and then to my room to retrieve something when I heard Lil K screaming MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! I run out and Roo has his feet dangling out of the open chest and Lil K, just a baby himself was holding his brothers head out of the water. It was intense. Roo would probably be dead right now if Lil K would not have been there and saved his life. Life without Roo is not something that I want to think about but I was forced to by my own negligence. I know this isn't a very heartwarming story to tell but I was very proud of my boy that day and always. He amazes me all the time.

Ying Unleashed

Antidepressants? Coffee? No, no, no. All she needed was a few days with some goats and she's a new woman. I need to start marketing them as miracle cures.

Damn phone!

  My daughter's social life is going to suffer because her mother is a moron. Just when you thought that I couldn't possibly lose, break, wash, anhilate any more phones this year. Another one bites the dust. I was on my way out the door from the dreaded place when my phone popped out of the case and landed in a puddle. It's even funnier when you think about it because it really doesn't rain here that often and when it does my freakin phone takes a bath. Now your wondering," This relates to L how?", well I'm always popping my sim into L's phone and forcing her to loan out hers against her will, while I'm waiting for another one. So picture this, me diving like a dumb ass. Eating the pavement to scoop up my phone out of the water.  All the while thinking what if my favorite boy calls me in the time it takes for me to transfer the sim. I am very very sick at the moment. I feel some very bad judgement coming on.

Reach out and touch somebody / Touch me! Touch me!

Look Ma, I'm writin and ain't nobody even pissed me off! I've been waiting for my phone to ring, I hope the universe is having a tremendous laugh at my expense. It pisses someone that shall remain nameless off that I am forever misplacing, allowing to die, and completely disregarding my cell phone. So I think that the god of the two cups and a piece of string must find it funny that these days I am carrying around my phone like it is the damn winning Texas lotto ticket. I take it to bed with me like a freaking teddy bear. I'm keeping track of it like it's one of my children.

Rush out to McD's McCafe and get an ICED MOCHA

They are damn good, better and friendlier on your pocket book than Starbucks. Faster I might add if that is something that is important to you. I don't normally plug products but I love coffee and I'm impressed. Not too fond of the flavored syrups (they need to work on those) as far as the coffee gos it's the bomb. 100% Arabica beans and quality ingredients. I know what you are all thinking, how can McD's employees not screw up the coffee. The magic is in high tech coffee machine (grinds the beans froths the cream and makes coffee idiot proof).

No sense blog

If I gave any of my blogs a title that made sense then perhaps when I wished to revisit them I would actually have a chance of retrieving them from the great blog file god. Naming them what they actually are would make too much sense. I tried to find the desired blogs by searching phrases that were in them but I soon discovered that when it comes to personal writing we are basically spewing the same phrases continually, albeit rearranged. We cannot even attribute particular lingo to individuals because we are always plagiarizing and quoting one another.

Observation of the day, K once told me how he thought drunk bitch's eyes were devastatingly beautiful. Like the turquoise water in some exotic locale.(drunk bitch is my new name for his ex) I am not that creative, I just added the drunk to her old handle. I have over the course of time come to the realization that God being loving and generous has gifted some particular human beings that otherwise posses no other redeeming qualities some really fine attribute. Obviously he gave her some really kick ass eyes. I am not sure why this is, it may be so they can mesmerize their prey.
My eyes are unremarkable.

Though it must be noted that, God tries not to give too much less we become enamored with ourselves. That is why God gave her flat saggy pancakes for breasts. But no matter Kelly paid to have some nice bags of silicone shoved under her skin. I bet when they broke it off, he was like damn I want those back!

I woke up today and it was a new day. Flaked out on work last night and intended to call the store manager this morning and quit but instead called and said that I could no longer do graveyards. So now I will be working days. I'm joining the land of the living apparently. Going in today to learn the fine art of chain store cappuccinos. Anything with coffee in it is bound to be good, or I could learn different. I'll keep you posted on that one. Everything is good today, the sun is shining and the little cat that my son saved is doing quite well. I can't wait to take him to see it.
I make a difference everyday that I am alive and I don't know why I am so hung up on wanting to get paid for it. I bought three pineapples from a Mexican guy down the street from L's school and when he handed them to me he gave me the best smile, and I'm tucking it away so I can pull it out when I'm just not feeling it and wear it in my soul.
I am probably one of t he most loved people that I know and yet for some unknown reason I just have to crawl up into the ugly inside myself and dwell there for a while. Today is for letting go. K shared something with me that he learned from a speaker meeting. I am taking it out of context because the way that I am interpreting it was not the way that it was meant. The speaker made the remark that the food that you ate 5 years ago does not sustain you today and I am probably over simplifying this about what that means to me. The past matters not, (well it does and it doesn't). I am not the best at relaying inspirational messages. I can't even repeat a good joke. The moral of this story is I walked through the door with three golden pineapples and I swear from the look on Roo's face you would have thought I brought in a wheelbarrow full of skittles. He was grinning ear to ear. We cut it up and he gorged himself while he was watching his Harry Potter DVD. Life is very very good indeed.

Nothing Good

  This is probably the exact wrong time to quit the anti-depressant cold turkey but I couldn't think of a better one. They weren't exactly doing much for me anyway and I've been dreaming more without them. It's been a wild emotional week for me for various reasons. I came back from seeing my Yang and for some strange reason I had deluded myself into believing that I would be recharged and better able to participate in reality however this was not the case. I came home and wanted to run back. K's ex is off the wagon and he's been communicating with her some and it's not that he's paying attention to her it's just that there is just so little of his attention to go around. 

  Obviously this is a big deal for him because his child is in her care, but it is also that he cares for her and is concerned for her well being, as he should be. He has a ten year history with her and I realize just how much that could mean. I cried some today, mostly because I didn't get a job that I wanted. Probably the first job that I ever really wanted not needed, not- oh I think I'll try this.  I was just really looking forward to doing something that actually mattered. Yeah yeah yeah mothering is an important job but I don't get paid for it and it doesn't get me out of the house. K's sister is taking care of the real estate again, Ive been doing a half assed job at it lately and we all know that her half ass job will bode well with Kelly where as mine is just another source of strife.

  I have to go to my stupid job tonight, I walked in to quit today but just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I'll suck it up awhile longer. 

Drafts pile Medley ( It was either this or ditch them all together)

I was trying to clean up my drafts pile and I deleted all of my one line drafts and left all that were more than a paragraph. I intended to compose a drafts medley but then it occured to me that I should have saved the one line and three word blogs because together they were probably my Magnum Opus. So stay tuned to a for a jumbled blog that makes no sense ( I guess that is just the usual)
I hardly have any blog worthy material and yet that does not stop me from tapping out a few lines now and again. I've been feeling like shit lately. I can't just do what the Seussical song says and just tell myself how lucky I am. Truth be told I do have a certain amount of luck, blessings would probably be a more appropriate word. I do feel blessed each day but somehow that does not stop me from feeling all manner of unpleasantries. I have been thinking about this and I have decided that I am either manic depressive or I that God has just blessed with with overwhelming emotion. Yeah the loon theory does seem more plausible.
If someone could give me the antidote to loving him I would greedily gobble it up because I am sick of being in this much pain, but I would rather he just love me as I am. He has been home less than a day and already the list of shit that I have done wrong in his absence is is substantial. It's all petty shit in my opinion but they all warrant his criticism. First he thought the house smelled like cats even though I had just cleaned the box, I ended up saying that I would steam clean the carpets. Then it was the fact that I opened a bill even if it did have my name on it (he's the one that pays them). I have in the past lost mail that I have opened so I guess the scolding was just to reinforce the idea. Then he threatened that I should not work because our son skipped his spelling homework a few times this week. I resisted the urge to gasp and say my lord he will become a juvenile delinquent for sure now. I slept for nine hours today and he announced that I should get up, I informed him that my sleep has been averaging about 4 hours a day. One two hour nap from 1-3 PM and another from about 8-10 pm. Why would I want to be awake anyway, so I can taxi people around, fold laundry, cook? It's clear I am in a bitchy mood.

The fragrance of the new day was sweet but I couldn't name what the exact fragrance was. The air was barely cool and I missed the crispness of previous mornings. I'm not really awake yet, I just sort of stumbled the boys to school. I decided to fore go the coffee, for no real reason really.
Driving to the Bluff (again) to pick up one of L's friends. All I am is a taxi service these days. If she could make friends with kids on the same street that would just be too cool. Oh well, I am happy that she is being social.

Scratch that, the brat is having a hissy fit. Apparently she would rather sulk for a bit more. All this over a boy that goes days without changing his clothes. I'm sure we will laugh about this some day. Not today or anytime soon even but someday. Hal suggested that we lock L up in the basement or send her to a nunnery. We have no basement, but the nunnery is still an option. Her father would love that. Actual conversation between L and myself. Please note I have inserted stupid boy where pet boys name should be. Not to protect the innocent but because it's funny to me. Then again I am easily amused but hat goes without saying.

L- Can I call stupid boy?
I have no clue why she even asked me perhaps because she knew I would say no
Me- Um, I don't think so.
L- I miss him.
Me- I'm sorry

Finally a moment to write. It seems as though I have been covered in paint and stain for months. I think I have actually. The house is almost done, it will be strange to finally live there. A young man from down the street helped us with the house today. He asked how long we were going to live there. I said maybe forever. Yes my roots are sunk firmly into the ground, this is where I am going to be for a while at least. K's new job is in Louisiana so we will see how that goes. I feel good today, I have not felt really good in a long while. I have felt overwhelmed and strangely helpless but something has changed either internally or externally and I am feeling like myself again.
The power of positive thinking.... Nah, the power of thinking maybe. Do the things in your mind manifests themselves in reality. Maybe, definately, sometimes. I believe!!! Then I would also have to agree that I have brought a whole bunch of needless shit into my orbit. Everyone has heard the crude saying that you can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which hand fills up first.

I had a very trying week. I tried to stay in the moment, to remain calm and reasonable. I tried not to obseess about things that were not likely to happen. I failed miserably. Before the conference I said to myself no matter what this woman says I will not allow her to get a rise out of me. Ha! In the end I had raised my voice and made demands like a child. I told myself that I will keep myself occupied and not obsess on my loved one's emotions or actions but now I find my stomache twisted in a knot. With unwarranted worry running reels of unlikely scenarios in my head's theater. The worst part of it is I knew better ahead of time. I knew full well what I was doing, I chose accordingly. Then I stepped back and allowed the chaos to ensue. Once again I got swept up in his mania and failed to be the voice of reason.


This is going to be a rant, be forwarned. I know I've mildly bitched recently but don't you miss my full blown rants. L came home and announced that she had signed us up for FAST a program run by the drug and alcohol council where families from the school meet one day each week for dinner, socializing and positive family time, this program lasts for 2 months and it is a good thing. As luck would have it FAST happens to fall on Mondays. This is not a good thing. Monday Monday can't trust that day. K's precious Mondays, it is one of "his" nights. Now I have gotten over the resentment of him having two nights out a week with people that I do not know in a places where I am not welcome. However things tend to pop up on Mondays, and from experience I know that he has a hissy fit whenever he is asked to partake in a family or church event during "his" time. So I informed Lindy that he probably would not be going. When Lindy asked why not, I said remember it is on a Monday, and she badgers me about it and I just tell her that that night is very important to him.

Winter holds no charm for me, it has never been a friend. I once thought that I was in love with Autumn but this morning I felt myself longing for Spring, like a lost lover. I am dreaming of green meadows and wildflowers. True it looks like Autumn but it's a dirty trick, South Texas likes to play.Yang says that it is much too early for me to be yearning for Spring. Odd Spring has never appealed to me before, it must be my age.

I got much of my hair cut off today, I enjoy my hair a little shorter. I rarely cut it because this way because Kelly likes it long. It is funny the things that women do for men. Wearing our hair a way we hate is just one of the many things that I have been guilty of doing just to please him. It is not as if he cares very much what pleases me.

Rob Carey has taken a promotion else where and will not be teaching my daughter to write this year or ever. It was hard news for her and I must admit for myself also. Lindy's love of reading bloomed under this man's guidance. He had an enthusiasm that was catching, and she will miss him greatly and I will miss Lindy coming home and regaling me with his words. Rob Carey could make a story live and breathe.

Lydia the lover of lost causes and cats

I was sitting in the deli having lunch with K and I jokingly started to command my phone to ring. I'm waiting to hear back about a job that I really.. really.. greatly desire. Then Kelly started discussing how well he thought the job would suit me and somewhere in the conversation he informed me that I was the lover of lost causes. I know I am but what does that say about him? I'm his lover aren't? I think that one of the greatest gifts that God has bestowed upon me is my ability to love.

Yesterday Blaze and I were on the way to HEB and we found a dying kitten on the side of the road and Blaze took it in his arms (no matter to him how foul it smelled) and tears poured out of his eyes and he said," Please... save it Mom. He has a kind soul my son, a boy after my own heart. We delivered the dying kitten to the best cat person that we know. I think she is going t o make it.

I'm not crazy (just passionate)

 I'm actually blogging for  the second time today (please no one have a heart attack). I just invited a new writer, a man.  I was speaking to him on the phone today and he made the comment that I am not crazy but passionate rather. Some days I am more passionate then others. I thought that I would invite him to read all the passionate things that I write about (LOL).  So welcome Carlos, and feel free to skip all of Brandy's recipe's and political advertisements just go straight to Ying and Yang's shoddy prose.

  

The AC Gestapo/Writers diet

Last nights low was 60 degrees, it is currently 72 degrees outside. The AC polizei woke up this morning and while making his morning rounds discovered that the AC read 76 degrees. Without taking the time to let his mind register the fact that the thermostat was actually set at 79 (which by the way is still too low for his liking) he went on a rampage. So now our punishment is that he is going to set the AC at 82 degrees for our imaginary transgression. He was yelling at everyone including myself. I know from personal experience that 79 is our compromise. He is forever setting it at 80 and 81 and when I come home from work suffering from heat exhaustion (damn cheap employer turns off the AC as soon as my shift begins) I often turn it down a notch to 79. So it is likely that I was the last one to touch the AC. I should be laughing at all this but I just can't find the humor in it. The moral of this story is. Never marry an Irish man, they like to yell and are incredibly frugal. I have also heard that they drink a bit so God help you if they are in recovery and forsake the spirits. At least if they are passed out drunk during the day you can get a break from the bitching, you could paint his nails and dress him up in a tutu and take pictures for revenge or just for a funny.

It is always more convenient to blame other people for your problems. (Personal responsibilty is so over rated) So I am declaring that it is K's fault that I am so fat. Here's my reasoning- (flawed as it may be)
K and I are not the best at communicating with one another. I am not blaming this on any one, it is just a fact. If I did want to blame someone that would be a lengthy blog but I am not going there today. I don't like to fight, I don't thrive on drama or conflict. Because of this there once was a time that instead of having words with my husband, I would just run to the computer and pound out a few harsh sentences. This usually sufficed to expel whatever it was that I was feeling. I think that he read something once that he did not appreciate and from then on out automatically assumed that every time he found me writing that it was something about him and that it was nothing good. In fact he has not willingly read anything that I have written in many years. That cuts a little but that is not where I am headed with this. I stopped writing so much, and replaced the habit with going to the fridge and seeing what I could stuff my face with. End result more than a few too many pounds on my frame. This morning when K went off on his AC tirade I tried to reason with him and he would have none of that so instead of going to the kitchen I sat down at the computer and whipped out this little lovely bit.

Corpus Christi Cattery

Dear Feline Lovers,

As some of you know, The Cattery became a reality from a dream discussed over dinner. That dream? That every cat and kitten in the Corpus Christi area would have a loving “forever” home.

The Cattery offers an alternative to traditional animal shelters in providing a no-kill, cage-free haven for homeless, abused, or abandoned cats. From there, we seek permanent, loving homes for these animals, But for those cats who, due to temperament or health or age, are unlikely to be adopted, we provide a permanent place for them to live out their lives in safety and comfort.

These cats offer you an opportunity to help with The Cattery’s dream. Perhaps you already have so many cats that you can’t adopt one more and add her to the mix. Or perhaps you love cats but your landlord doesn’t. Or perhaps your spouse loves cats but you’re allergic. How can you participate in creating a nurturing environment for every cat and kitten we take in?

You can Virtually Adopt a cat or kitten from our group we’ve designated as “maybe here forever.” And here’s the really good news: only 300 virtual adoptions @ $15 a month would completely cover the overhead to operate The Cattery. Only 300! And covering our overhead each month would free up our fundraisers for important expenses like vet bills and special projects.

Virtual Adoption is easy. The easiest way to sign up is to go to our website (www.thecatterycc.org) under the donate section and sign up through PayPal Or, you can mail us a check each month for the kitty of your choosing. (please email us at thecatterycc@aol.com if you are interested in mailing a check or having your credit card automatically drafted.)Although $4500 per month is a lot of money, spread out over 300 people (or more!),it’s less than 50 cents a day!
Won’t you study the list of cats available for Virtu-Adoption on our website (www.thecatterycc.org) under the donate section. Only $15 per month from you and 299 other cat lovers can guarantee that their lives and the lives of many, many other cats and kittens will have a happy and healthy outcome. You can help alleviate the tragedy of the thousands of homeless cats and kittens that populate Corpus Christi. Please sign up today and help continue to make this dream a reality.

Sincerely,



Samantha Person
Shelter Director

PS We want to achieve our goal of 300 virtual adopters by the end of June! You can check our progress on our website or if you’d like weekly updates, send us an email at thecatterycc@aol.com. Also, feel free to forward this to
all of your friends!

I have Adopted Martha for many months. She is a very sweet cat, but you really have to convince her that she wants to love you lol.