Sometimes I think that he is not that nice. It's like little knives pricking at my soul when I hear him talk about others. It should not bother me. He is not mine nor will he ever be. There is just something deeply wrong with me that I would choose to love or want someone that would not choose me ever. I don't know why but it makes me hate myself a little bit. But I think I am done crying. Lie, big lie. I will cry some more and soon probably. I don't know what to do about this unrequited love thing. It is new for me. I want to stop it but I can't and part of me wishes it would go away but another part of me just wants to love. Awww my life is a cosmic joke. I spent 17 years of my life, wasted with someone who was not worth even an hour of my attention and then I find this freaking beautiful interesting individual and I have no shot in hell. I have told him in every way I know how. His answer each time is a threat to end our friendship.

Silly, Stop it, and I am not the one.

I am not going to be dramatic and for a change I am going to be completely honest. I am a very selfish person at heart. I want what I want and I want him. Today I decided that I could decide not to love him anymore. I l let it go and put it in it's place. Oddly whenever my mind wandered into fantasy, into him I told myself to stop. Every time I interrupted my dreams with reality. It was painful. It is painful but I can do this because I will not set myself up for failure. I am letting go. I am selfish because I have a beautiful friendship with a wonderful person but selfish me I want more. Wanted because I will readjust my wants according to reality and reality is that whatever it is that he is wanting it is not me. I could ruin myself wondering why I cannot be enough but I will not do that to myself. Exhale.. Letting go. I will stop being silly.