Insanity

So my employer is batshit crazy. My son is anxiety ridden. My love is not my lover. I have no relationship to speak of with my parents. Got a ton of new gray hair last year. Currently trying to save 100 dogs from certain death. Ya know same old same old. I’m lonely, I am overwhelmed and right now I would really like to be held. Saving up for a weighted blanket because no arms are going to be wrapped around me any time soon and  I am not even sad about that. It is what it is. I wonder sometimes what it is I am all about. My husband is “in love” with someone that suits him better than I and I am just here doing what I do. I am happy for him on some level. I am happy for me at times. You cannot help who you love or how you love. Words of wisdom, if someone tells you about themselves listen really fucking listen. It will save you a shit ton of grief in the long run.

So... Happy here for a change. No complaints, life is as it is and I have accepted things as they are in this moment. The thing is that things always change you just have to roll with it. I am where I am at obviously because this is where I want to be at this moment. I am done apologizing for my imperfections. You want perfect? That is so not me. I’m a mess, I fucking beautiful mess. I m not going to make my elaborate excuses for my current circumstances. I am not going to complain about them either because I am 100 percent responsible for me. Whoa what an admission! My choices have led me to here. I am letting go of worry and I will just I’ve in this moment and be imperfect and at times indecisive. I am not a victim of mother ducking anything.

Drafts Pile

So.... I have accepted the fact that Brandy Dickerson’s reincarnation will not be finding me any time soon. Such is life... I have also accepted the fact that I cannot make anyone do a damn thing. I can’t make you people write. I can’t do a myriad of things. What the duck am I good for anyway? I can cuss like a sailor and I am a bad ass animal rescuer and not a whole lot else. I am defiantly missing dimension and well rounded ness. I still love the Yang to my Ying even if are worlds are different and we don’t speak EVER anymore.

Sooo…. I decided for a change to not announce any of my blogging and to just write. I will avoid subjects such as romantic love, and SEX as we all know that is a sore subject for me.
  I have decided to write about my employer as I work a bit more than anything else and she is damn funny among other things but at the moment I am uninspired. I suspect this blog will fall victim to the drafts  pile, I have no memory or recollection of recording any of this. But... I suppose  it was me. So.. I have just inhaled one third a bottle of rum so I suppose this is drunk blogging. My life is interesting, in MY opinion anyway. I HAVE NOT HAD SEX IN 6 MONTHS AND IT'S POSSIBlE THAT I MAY DIE. No not really but the object of my affection is either  gay, asexual or completely repulsed by me and I am afraid it is probably the latter. Such is life. Not bragging but I could be with any number of men except for the one that I desire. How fucked is that. I'm laughing a little and dying a little. There is a point that I will give up on it all and I am very close to that point. I am a dismal failure in most relationships and in this one also apparently. I have tried.

More word vomit.

So I guess I am on a roll. I am currently at work waiting for the doggy train to get here. Precious cargo it will hold. 25 dogs and one kitten. I would have like to keep her but that would make me a borderline hoarder so off she goes into the wild blue yonder.
  I started this blog yesterday. I anticipated some downtime at work and was trying to make good use of my time.
 It’s the next day and I am at home. I have 1000 things to write about that would probably be of more interest to someone that isn’t me but at the moment a man has my attention. The same man that has had my attention for at least a year. If I am honest with myself it is probably more like 2 years. He inserted himself into my life and here he remains.
  I am not clear what he wants with me as he has no interest in being my lover and most of the time he has no interest in me at all. He does however like to cook for me and usually I love to eat but I seem to have lost my appetite.

I have nothing of value to say or share. I just came here for the first time in I don't know how long and realized why  It's called avoidance.  Brandy Butter is here in these pages.  Seems the older I get the better I get at avoiding anything I don't want to feel.  I think that means I need to come here a lot, as it's not a good habit.

New little spirits

My family will be welcoming a female spirit early December, Leesie's THIRD child...what is she thinking?  ;)   GramMish can't wait to spoil a fourth grandunit.

Regarding love and companionship

It is a dilemma, I have decided that this lifetime I don't get to have a soulmate or 'love of my life'.  It's okay, I will be wonderful and happy without that and if someone comes along that can love me right, I will be open to it, but I refuse to give up me (actually it appears impossible for me to do so).  Meanwhile my stupid heart keeps falling for something that feels real and right, then something comes along and fucks it up royal, so it's on to the next fuckup...sigh.  I know I am responsible for what happens to me and I will continue to live my life 'in my bucket' ...I tell people I am constantly refilling and emptying my bucket list.  Ying, you are beautiful, talented, full of love and stronger than you know, I know cuz I am the same, beautiful inside and out with all my gray hair, wrinkles and slouchy shoulders.  I think of you Brandy, every day you sneak into my mind and it reminds me that even though I get tired and sometimes fearful, I am on the right path and I can handle it.  I wish I could vent to you right now about my situation with my son, can I go back 32 years and beat his ass please?  another sigh...   xo ladies, glad to be back

Lovely

  Mish has joined the party, that is just lovely. I was beginning to feel very much alone out here in cyberspace. This isn't my hostile work environments blog or my things I do when I am drunk blog. That will come later. I am pretty sure all of you know what I do when I am drunk, if you read enough of the blog you will figure it out. I hate to poke and prod people into blogging but sometimes you need to perform CPR on things that are dying. I just can't let this little antiquated memoir slip away into the abyss. Can you blame me? I have forgotten how to write but I will learn again. At the moment I am also in need of an outlet for my fucking pathetic whining that  I  seem to do a lot of lately. My confidence is gone. It just fucking took off, no where to be found. One day it just said fuck you Ying, I am outta here. Hasn't even sent me a postcard or borrowed a cell to call me. I think she might be dead. I mean I am still looking for her but I have almost given up.

Kill 'Em With Kindness

My mom used to say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.   So...when someone gets hostile with me, which does happen even in my happy-work-place, I have to figure out a stealth approach to derailing them.   Seems to me that taking the 'high' road will often knock them right outta their hostile tree.   That being said, it does seem that more people who come through the studio are hostile these days,  but putting them on a pottery wheel distracts them from their hostility for awhile.  I have been without physical companionship for awhile now.   It's not so bad,  but I do miss some things about it.    I like calling the shots, in my business,  in my house, in my music...I guess I have become a control freak.

Hostile Work Environments!!

Oh look you are getting two blogs tonight. Just give her alcohol and she will spew out all sorts of random bullshit. I guess I will just start assigning writing  topics and maybe some of you will choose to participate.  So the topic is hostile work environments or things you do when you are drunk. Go for it! I promise you mine will be worth it but I won't post until you do. So please someone, anyone, help me save this damn blog.

Stupid Fucking Ramblings

Awe same old same old here. I guess no one is reading this shit, and I am just blogging in your  memory my friend. I really miss the hell out of you Brandy Lare Dickerson. it is always nice to have friend that can see the future. It is even better when she cooks you breakfast, feeds you chocolate and tells you how amazing, and talented you are. Is it vain of me to say that I really miss that. I have a confession to make.
   She wanted to give the cross painting to Dona but I asked her for it. I have it at K's house. I asked her to sign it and she wrote on the back and sometimes when life is really shit her words are the only thing  that keeps me going. I am not being dramatic but I insert myself into some pretty dramatic situations. They are all of my choosing. I like Crazy town, I have set up shop here.
  So I don't think I am going to die anytime soon from my super rare and super shitty disease and honestly that was a little anti climactic for me. I mean I like sucking air and all but I was ok with it. I am currently coming down off a pretty high dose of steroids and I blame that for most of my emotional bullshit but probably 60 no 80% of it is just me allowing myself to feel something.
Did he mean that I don't know what love is? I didn't get into it and it probably doesn't even matter. I try too fucking hard. Well on a positive note, I have seen the future and it does not entirely suck so I am hanging in there.
  So currently I am suffering from a lack of physical company and I am trying to get over that bullshit, I am convincing myself that it is over rated. But really it is not, for me at least. Isn't it fucking hilarious how I can go from being uncomfortable with physical intimacy to fucking craving it. Now that is some screwed up shit right there. But I would rather skip it than to be with someone like K.

I am a mess. Oh did I mention that my hair is falling out, why yes it is lol.

I guess I will just high jack this as my own personal blog and I will spare no details. Can you even imagine what it is like to be completely in love with a being that has no desire for you to touch them. It kinda sucks on about at least 10 different levels but it’s 100 percent better than any of the other shitty relationships that I have been in so It’s welcome. I am having a great dilemma at the moment. Do I wait for someone that loves me or do I chase after my hearts desire. I fucking love the hell out of this man. But.... I am just me and not that interesting. Exhale..... such is life. Well I am middle aged and acting like a 12 year old over this 17 year old trapped in a 45 year old body. Fucking alcohol stunts your emotional growth. My life is a fucking cosmic joke and yet here I am doing the same thing over and over. It is insanity. When I grow up I will will be celibate I swear!! Unfortunately there is zero chance that I will ever mature in any deep or meaningful way.

https://youtu.be/j3aLqKnTuHs

Screaming

Is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me?

Ask me anything and at this moment the truth would spill out. Oh how life has changed. For the better? So here is what is different. I have not lived with my husband for over a year and somehow have managed to contract an incurable lifelong illness. Also have managed to fall in love with a being that will never feel the way that I feel I feel for him ever. Do I require that, I suppose not. I know I have issues,that has never been up for debate. I spent the summer in a limbo of sorts, traveling and undecided. Here I am now.. So many details that I will just gloss over because it would be too real. I am so full of love and light. I guess I will elaborate. There is a new spirit on this Earth and she grounds me more than I ever imagined that I could be.

  My husband really never cared for me, he liked me fine when I was a skinny little doll that cried in the bathroom and just wanted to please but then I grew up to be a woman, my body changed with the children I carried and living gave me a confidence that he did not like. Such is life. He asked me to  leave and I complied. I left my home and my sons. It was heartbreaking and liberating all at once. It might have had something to do with the temporary insanity that is and was my immersion in animal rescue and also my new Vegan lifestyle which I do not apologize for. 

  Illness

It was as if I woke up one morning and my body had failed me. My muscles melted off my body, everything changed and now I am slowly regaining my former strength. So much medicine, so many tests, MRI's, medication, mood swings, weakness, pain, fear, uncertainty. But here I am just climbing, clinging, I have a lot of living to do but damn do I feel my mortality now more so than ever.

Love, I have learned as if I did not know it before that I have an immense capacity for love and I am so selfish that I do not even want to write about him. What I do know is that sometimes love is not a decision. Sometimes it's an incomprehensible overwhelming wave that you cannot wrap your mind around. 

 Four months ago a new little spirit slipped into the realm and she is lovely and filled with light. She looks like her father and her mother and myself at certain angles. 

I miss you Brandy Dickerson, I will never ever ever meet anyone like you ever, but I am going to keep up with our crappy little blog and may my complaints and elations honor you in some small way. I wish I was a better time traveler, but I am just a accidental emotional time traveling idiot. I will be more and I will share. 

Insecurity. I am riddled with insecurity. I am not confident where love and companionship is concerned. One part of me wants a grand adventure and another part of me just wants a hand to hold. Actually I would like both. I am 43 years old, I think. I feel considerably younger. I don't know anything about anyone but myself.